No matter how far you escape from your past, it can always come back and corrupt you. Such is the case with Xergiok, the old goblin king, who was last seen in The Silent King, with a fetish for whacking goblin hams; until Finn and Jake took him down, and Whisper Dan became the new king. Since then, Xerg had lost his eyes, grown a beard, and became a caretaker for a bunch of griffin-like creatures, and has lost his appetite for spanking.

Ill be back.

Finn and Jake are scouring the badlands, looking for the Birdman, when they pass out, and run into Xerg, who tells them hes changed, and that it was thanks to them. They are a bit skeptical, so he shows them his changes.

This episode is nice, lots of callbacks to The Silent King. My favorite joke would have to be when *minor spoiler* Xerg is breastfeeding some birds (off-screen), and the whole scene shows Finn and Jakes faces as their mouths open wider and wider, and ending with Xerg pulling his shirt back into place; its as great as a sight gag can get.

A another great episode for the Adventure Time library.

8/10

That title wasn't lying. I've just began working on my first novel, codenamed: "Pulp". I'm here to talk to you guys about the specifics. If you have any questions that weren't answered here, ask me in the comments below.

"Pulp" is a violently-charged, socio-political, ideologically sensitive drama with black comedy thrown into the mix. It will be a very adult book, with a lot of swearing, graphic violence. graphic sexual content, drug use, alcohol use, religious themes, and other sensitive subjects.

"Pulp" tells 6 stories, each couldn't be more different from each other, set in varying time periods, each intertwining with each other. What that means is that something that happens in one story could inadvertantly (or advertantly) affect something in another, or a character from one story might be a character from another story, in a different time period. This sort of story-telling convention was used in Pulp Fiction, which is why it's codenamed "Pulp", but it is far different from said movie. The book will cycle through each story every couple of chapters, until all stories come to an end. I'll tell you a little bit about each story, without spoiling it for you guys.

The first story is Burglar Skullman. The tale of two friends who screw up big time, and have to go to extraordinary lengths to fix it. This will be, for all intents and purposes, the main story of the book. It stars Burglar Skullman and Snoopy (although, I may need to get permission from the Schultz estate to use him). It's really hard to explain this story without spoiling it, so I'll move on.

The second story is The Vigorous Accounting of Dr. Parmeseus. It's the story of an accountant, who is hired by the king to account for him; but when the king ends up dead, he is the prime suspect. So, he (with a little help) has to get the hell out of Dodge.

The third story is unnamed as of yet. It's about a satanist, and worker of the devil, who dies, finds God, and decides to convert. So, he has to tell Satan he quits. Things escalate from there. 

The fourth story is DJ and the Rabbit. It's about a washed-up, homeless, has-been DJ who is on his way to prison, when he is inadvertantly freed from the prison escort, and taken into a civilazation, as one of their own.

The fifth story is unnamed as of yet. It is a backstory.

The sixth (and final) story is..... well, still in the thought process. I'll need your guys' help. Here are the choices: A female archeologist, who's exploring a vast, icy, mountainous wasteland, when she is attacked by monsters (as well as other things); or a female astronaut, who's exploring a icy, mountainous, deserted planet, when she is attacked. Which do you guys think I should use. I can make both work.

I'm not sure how I'll go about distributing it. I want to have it published, but I'm afraid that they'll censor it, or that some jackass will commit a crime, and be caught with it on his person and/or say that it "inspired" him, and it'll be banned, or something. I could distribute it online, either for a price, or free. I don't wanna use Deviantart, but if it's my only choice, I guess I could..... 

I have good hopes for this project. It will truly test my creative abilities. This could be the "Book of the Year". I could have a movie deal; of course it would be too long for one 2 hour movie; I could have it turned into a couple of volumes (similiar to Kill Bill), have it turned into a trilogy, or just have one, long-ass movie. Of course, that's not for me to decide, it's the fans. All I can do is try.

I also have interests in turning this into a comic book, as a companion to the novel, but I suck at drawing. I could try to find somebody to animate it for me. If one of you are good at drawing, or (better yet) have worked on a comic before, contact me, and we'll talk brass tacks.

When I allocate any new words on this project, I will share them on my blog. I hope you guys look out for this book, and for those who actually read it, I hope you enjoy it. :D

Part 1 here: http://www.gamespot.com/users/rigbybot127/show_blog_entry.php?topic_id=m-100-26015011

Part 2 here: http://www.gamespot.com/users/rigbybot127/show_blog_entry.php?topic_id=m-100-26015085

Part 3 here: http://www.gamespot.com/users/rigbybot127/show_blog_entry.php?topic_id=m-100-26015190

Uncensored Version of this chapter here (must have a Deviantart account, and be over 18)

Here's the long-awaited (by no one) fourth chapter (out of 6) of the first book in my Burglar Skullman series. Read at your own risk, as it contains strong (censored) language and violence/gore.

A cold, breeze hit Snoopy and Burglar, as they were up in the air, riding Derps the pegasus, with Plato and Pillsbury along for the ride. Their destination? Pepsi-Man Manor. To avenge a beloved's death, and to take down an assassination target. This was gonna be tough.

"You guys ready to jump?" asks Snoopy, in a nervous tone. "Sure, who wants to go first?" Burglar asked, nervous as well. "Why the hell don't we all just jump at the same time, since this isn't a one exit plane, this is a f*cking pegasus?" Pillsbury asked, in a rude, drunken manner. "F*ck this!" Pillsbury exclaimed "I'm jumping!". Pills makes a mad dash off the side of Derps. Without a parachute. "Wait a second, you jackass!" Burglar yells down to the doomed Pillsbury. Burglar and Snoopy dawn parachutes, and follow Pillsbury down towards Pepsi's compound. "Where's the f*ck's pull mechanism on this thing?" Burglar asks. "It's on the back. Here, I'll pull it for you!" Snoopy grabs and pulls Burglar's parachute open. "Now, do me" says Snoopy. Burglar does the same to Snoopy. They land gentally on Pepsi's back lawn, dominated by a maze of hedges.

"Hey, Derps!" yells Burglar "Take Plato home, so we can finish this!". F*ck you! You take him!" Derps barrel-rolls Plato of of her. "Jesus-f*cking-Christ!" yells Snoopy "We have to catch him!". As Derps is approaching the ground, Burglar launches Snoopy at Plato, but misses. sh*t do something, Burglar!" Burglar dives and catches Plato in his arms. "There we go. Come on Snoopy, let's go kill Pepsi!". "Wait, where's Pillsbury?" asks Snoopy. "I'm over here, you simpletons" says Pillsbury "I used my invisible jetpack to hault my land before I died", Pillsbury laughed "You should have seen the look on your faces.... wait. You guys forgot about me. You would have left, if it wasn't for the fact that Snoopy asked where I was. You guys are dicks". Snoopy and Burglar started busting up with laughter. "It's not funny, goddamn it!". "Alright, let's go".

As they run through the yard, beating the crap out of guards, Snoopy sees something. "You son of a b*tch" whispers Snoopy, as he runs off towards the mysterious figure. "Snoops, where the hell are you going?!" asks Burglar. As Burglar tries to run towards Snoopy, a giant red bird on a slingshot drops in front of him "Nice try, buddy boy" the bird says in a very thick, cuban accent "I am General Kincaid, you are dead!" Kincaid launches himself at Burglar and Pills. Burglar slides out of the way, pulling Pillsbury the same. The bird smashes into a tree, gets up and starts running towards Burglar. Burglar tries to stab him with a hidden blade, but the bird flipkicks him over the railing of the handicap ramp, leading to the ballroom. Kincaid attempts to smash his fingers, but Burglar pulls his fingers out of the way and pulls himself up over the railing, and tackles the bird.

Kincaid pulls out a sword, and stabs Burglar with it. Burglar falls to the ground. "Ha, Ha, Ha!" Kincaid laughs, in the opposite direction "You stupid f*cks thought you could beat me?". As Kincaid continues ranting, Burglar signals Pillsbury. Burglar grabs the sword from his armpit, stands up, and stabs Kincaid in the neck. Pillsbury uses the trans-dimensional teleporter to shot a portal in front of Kincaid. Burglar yanks the sword out, and Kincaid falls into the portal; the portal shuts. "Sh*t, now I'm gonna have to clean that up!" says Pills "I hope he doesn't fall on anything important". As Pills turns around, he is stabbed, by the same sword that stabbed Kincaid.

Snoopy ran after the figure, and was knocked unconscious. He awoke in a room, with his neck chained to a water pipe. "You thought you could defeat me, huh assh*le?" a man said, in the darkness "I won, d*psh*t". "F*ck you!" Snoopy screamed "Let me out of here!". "I can't do that until I've finished pulling your teeth, burning off your fingerprints, and de-limbing you.... slowly" replied the man. "Who are you?!". "I'm Pepsi. Nice to meet you..." looks at license "Snoopy". "You're not gonna get away with this, you sick f*ck! Burglar's gonna find you and kill you!". "Oh, is he?" Burglar approaches Pepsi-Man's side. "You mean, this Burglar?" he asks. "What?" Snoopy asks in utter shock "This-this can't be happening. You lying son of a b*tch. Please, tell me your being de-limbed too". Burglar remains silent, tilts his head down.

"I'll tell you what" says Pepsi. "Your husband-sorry, ex husband, was once a very well-known DEA agent.... well, not when I knew him. To me, he was my right hand man, Gerald. Him and I used to do blow together, and go on super-awesome drug trades. That was, until, he and his team busted me smuggling coke across the pacific. My own friend betrayed me, you must know what that's like?" Snoopy spits at Pepsi, and Pepsi spits back. "Anyway, after I got out of prison, I let it go, until he came back here. Then your friend and I butchered him. I gave the task to Burglar of finding you, and burning off that last hanging thread."

"Okay, well, I've talked to you enough. Burglar, kill your "former friend"". "Will do" Burglar turns away from Snoopy and stabs Pepsi in the throat. "Wha-what?" the dying Pepsi asks "You-you". Burglar speaks "You were always my target, Pepsi. Now just quiet down, and enjoy your last few seconds before you burn in hell, you murderer, rapist, drug-pedaling piece of sh*t" Burglar unties Snoopy "Rest in peace, Pepsi".

Suddenly, the mansion started to rumble. "What the hell is that?" asks Snoopy. A Mask appears "SPINARRRRRRRR!!!!" it cries. "Sh*t, we have to get out of here!" They run to the front room. "There you are, Plato" Burglar says. "Hey, where's Pillsbury?!" Snoopy yelled amidst the crumbling of the mansion "We have to go get him!". Burglar shoots a portal. "We can't! There's no time! This portal's gonna close any second!". "But we-" Burglar grabs Snoopy and Plato, and jumps through the portal.

"Where are you, guys?!" ask Pillsbury, as he's limping through the front room "I don't wanna die!" Suddenly, a mysterious figure runs into the front room. "Take my hand!". Pillsbury, in a shocked state yells "Spinner! What are you doing here!". "Goodbye" whispers Spinner, as he grabs Pillsbury and throws him out of the mansion, to safety. Pillsbury brings himself to a faint whisper, before passing out from blood loss. "Spinner".

.....of the Dough Professor (AKA Steed Loving)

You can read chapter 1 here, chapter 2 here, and an uncensored version of this chapter here (must have a Deviantart account, and be over 18 years of age).

Even though this is censored for language, it still contains hints of pretty strong language, violence, graphic sexual content, and ideologically sensitive themes. Reader discretion advised.

"So, this is Pillsbury's lab?", asks Snoopy. "Yep, in all it's perpetual glory", replied Burglar. The lab was easliy the best looking thing in the whole village, that and Uma Thurman. I was made of some kind of non-melting ice, and was similar to Superman's Fortress of Solitude, except a lot smaller, and there were no superheroes lounging here, unless you count Pillsbury himself. He is the greatest scientist in history, though nobody would know that, since he was rather shy to the outside world. He can create a working jetpack almost out of thin air. That's how truly exuberant his skills are. Too bad.....

"Hey, Pills" says Burg. "What is it? Can't you see I'm busy?" Pillsbury asked, with a very thick german accent "I'm building a trans-dimensional teleporter". "How's it supposed to work?" Burglar asks with a hint of curiousity. "Well, it is supposed to send a person from one place to another in our world, using trans-dimensional teleportation. It's supposed to send a person to another dimension, that is the exact date and time as our's, just a different location, but so far, I've only been able to get it to send me back to this lab. This will be a thing of true beauty, once I get it to work. My greatest invention EVER!" Pillsbury exclaims. "Great, that could come in handy", says Burglar "We're gonna cra-" he's suddenly interrupted as Pillsbury hops up out of his chair, and tackles Snoopy. Snoopy punches Pills in the gut, and makes a run to the tool table. Pills grabs a hammer and smashes Snoopy in his left knee cap. Snoopy then turns his attention to Pills testicles, and instinctively bites them. Pills cries in pain, as Snoopy grabs the recently dropped hammer and smashes him in the face.

"What the f*ck?!" yells Pills, in howling pain. "You f*cking tackled me, you schiza f*ck!". "I didn't know who were. I thought you were an intruder". "If I was an intruder, you ass would be dead, you stupid pr*ck, but you're not dead, because you're gonna help us". Pills looks at Burglar "What the f*ck do you assh*les want?". Burglar replies "We need your f*cking righteous brain, to help us take down Pepsi-Man". "You're with those pr*cks who came to collect on my debt. They won't take my kidney, my liver, my arm, and they sure as hell won't take my brain!" Pills pulls out a gun "I'll f*cking kill myself before that happens!". "No! Don't. We aren't with the black market, we only need to use that machine to get back home, in case sh*t goes wrong while assassinating Pepsi-Man". "You stupid f*cks are going at Pepsi? You might as well have me chop your c*cks off, and mail them to him right now" Pills laughed. "Hey, I happen to be a damn proficient assassin" says Burglar, now slighty miffed. "Aw, yeah. I'll help you dicks..... be ripped off! Hahaha!" Pills continued laughing like a ham "I'll need to come with you, as I'm the only one with enough technical prowess to utilize a machine of this magnitude". "Sure, and his name is Snoopy, by the way" says Burglar.

"Hold on a sec...." says Pillsbury, as he walks towards the phone. He then dials a number; 'ring ring' 'ring ring'; "Hello, yeah, Pepsi-Man, hi, we're coming to kill you" the call disconnects. "What the holy mother of f*ck was that for, assh*le?!" Burglar yells. Snoopy rushes up over a chair standing between him and Pills, brings it falling in Pills direction, and pins him against a wall "You have some explaining to do" says Snoopy, in a calm voice "So start f*cking explaining!" his voice changed tone. "I thought it would make it more fun. We will actually have a challenge now". "I've seen enemies in Doom 3 smarter than you" Snoopy yells at Pillsbury. "In any case, the ground is now out of the question" Burglar says "We need wings".

"Is your wing really not healed yet?" Burglar says to the crippled Derps. "Does it look healed? That little fuarck right there damn near ripped my goddamn wing off" "He's sorry" Burglar takes a piece of paper from Plato "See, look at this macaroni art that he made you" It was a perfectly crafted, middle finger. "You little bastard" Derps lunged at Plato, but retracted due to pain. "Hey Snoopy, look after Plato for a minute, I'm gonna try to convince her". Snoopy takes Plato outside.

Plato runs off towards the park. "Hey, wait up!" yells Snoopy, as he runs towards the fast little scamp. He follows Plato till he stops, and directs Snoopy to tree. Snoopy looks behind the tree, and notices a corpse that must have been here for weeks. That can only mean one thing..... that this park has some truly awful employees. "What the heck is this?" asks Snoopy "This is terrible, I have to te-" Plato was running toward the street "Oh, f*ck, don't go out there, I'm coming!" Snoopy runs for the street, stops, looks both ways, and decides to cross. As he steps off the curb, his glasses fall off his head "Aw, stupid glasses". An huge diesel truck was in his lane. As he puts the glasses on his head, he notices the diesel truck just feet away, when something grabs him and pulls him towards the park. Flat on his back, he looks up to see a familiar unicorn. "Plato, you saved my life. You are now a bonified best friend for life" Plato rubs up against him, purring (because unicorns can totally do that). "Okay, let's go back and see if Burglar's had any luck".

You sure you're comfortable with" Burglar asks "You don't have to do this". "I'm deciding to take one for the team" Plushe says, as he's zipping up his bondage gear "You'll owe me for this". "Agreed" Plushe steps into Derps' hospital room. "I'm sorry for what's about to happen" says Burglar. in pity. The room door shuts. "Hey okay, I'm ready for thi- wait a minute! Is that a pe- mrmwmrwmrwrm" as his mouth zipper was.... zipped shut. "oh...... oh... oh, oh, oh, f*ck yeah, motha-f*cka! I'm coming!" cried Derps. A few minutes later.... Plushe walks out of the room, out of his deadklocked status, with a blank expression on his face, silent, and walks away, out of the hospital. "I'm healed!" yells Derps "Okay, I'll take you guys".

As Snoopy and Plato are walking back to the hospital, they notice Plushe "Hey Plushe, what's up?" Snoopy asks, unaware of the previous half-hour. Plushe approaches Snoopy, slowly, and says, in a deadpan tone: "The only thing up is my probability for committing suicide...... and that Pegasus' dick!".

(AKA the Character Development Chapter)

This is the very dark and disturbing second chapter of my ongoing series: Burglar Skullman. You can read the first chapter here: http://www.gamespot.com/users/rigbybot127/show_blog_entry.php?topic_id=m-100-26015011, as well as an uncensored version of this chapter here: http://fav.me/d5wc0be (you must have a Deviantart profile, and be over 18)

Even though this is the censored version, it still contains strong language (mostly censored), sexual themes, implied nudity (you'll imagine nudity), violence, ideologically sensitive themes, and a very disturbing back story. It's also not very funny (at least not like the last one). Reader discretion advised.

Chapter 2: The Perks of Being an Extra (AKA the Character Development Chapter)
Burglar and Snoopy arrived at the former's village, where they would hatch a plan against the notorious drug lord, Pepsi-Man. "This place is a f*cking dump" proclaims Snoopy "Can't you guys afford a village that doesn't look like the inside of Katey Sagal's vagina "Hardy-f*cking-har", Burglar replied "This has been my home for years..... well, except for the 15 years I spent at "Anger Management Camp", though, now that I think about it, it was probably an insane asylum.... Don't ask".

They walked downwards the slanted hill, making there way towards the mediocre village. In reality, the village wasn't that bad. It wasn't the best, but it wasn't bad. It consisted of a handful of houses, a Starbucks, a Savemart.. er... S-mart Foods, a Hollywood Video (yes, a Hollywood Video) a Yum Yum Donuts (though the village has been petitoning to have it replaced with a Dunkin), a Hardees (or a Carl's Jr, depending on where the hell they live), and a chinese restaurant titled "We Serve You Cat, Jackass" (they assumed the title was chinese for something). People had running water, electricity (PG & E), and all the Charter cable and internet they could use; they had computers, HDTVs, PS4's in every room, a copy of Assassin Dogs in every PS4, and a nuke in every laundry room (don't ask). Truth be told, it really wasn't that bad, though, to be fair, it did look (and smell) like Katey Sagal's vagina (and believe me, I would know).

"This hill takes forever to go down" said Snoopy. "Yeah, well you haven't been going down it for 30 years". "It feels like I have". "When I said you haven't been going down it for 30 years, I didn't mean you haven't been going down it for 30 years this time, I meant you haven't lived here for 30 years, and had been going down it for that long, such as me" Snoopy explained "Just wanted to make sure we were on the same wavelength". "Yeah, I had naturally assumed that we had, for how long we had been walking down this hill, been walking down said hill for 30 years, since it is taking so goddamned long, and my nerves are slowly beginning to deteriorate, and I'm contemplating commiting suicide by eye-gouging.... or just roll down this hill" Quickly, Snoopy forms a ball and takes on the harsh reality that rolling down a hill hurts like a b*tch. Finally, they made it to the village. "Psych", says Burglar "This isn't my village, this is a neighboring village. My village is down the street. Unfortunately, my village to is similar in looks to Katey Sagal's "Velvet Underground".

They FINALLY get to the village, and are greated by a purple horse "taxi" named Plushe (pronounced Plushe-shay). "What's up, my brothers?" said Plushe "I'm the Village taxi. You can ride me anytime". "Er, no thanks...." says Snoopy "That would have been helpful, 30 years ago! And my name's Snoopy, FYI". "Well, if you eva need a ride, come find me. Hey, Burglar, I'm gonna see my girlfriend, Tooty, catch you guys later". "Alright, see ya, bro" Burglar yells to Plushe as he gallops away into the sunset "He'll come in handy, I'm sure". As they are walking towards Burglar's "humble abode", they are stopped by three figures. One is pink bear with graffiti on it, named Amy. The second is a caterpillar-like character named Tooty, who also happens to be Plushe's girlfriend. The last, but not least, is the usually silent, ninja-like persona known as "Spinner"; Spinner has the head of an insect, but his body far surpasses that of any insect. He is more in line with the Tazmanian Devil, for his amazing spinning limbs, two on each side of his body, with a bottom side that sort of hovers above the ground. "Hi, my name is Amy, and her name is Tooty." Amy says, with a smile "We haven't had any new friends here in for-f*cking-eva! You are quite the cutie, mister dog". "Sorry ladies, I roll a different way, but, for the record, you are mediocre looking". "Oh, thanks" Amy blushes "That's the nicest thing anyone has called my in 26 years". Plushe arrives, speaks to Tooty "Hey, baby. How's about you and I go catch "Kung Fu Panda 5: The Rise of Cholesterol" together?". "Sure thing, baby". They walk off, towards the theater. "Hey, guys, we're going to Pill's house right now. See ya." Burglar tells them "We're gonna go hatch a plot to take down Pepsi". "Yeah, sorry guys, I can't go" Amy tells them. She turns to Spinner "Hey Spinner, you should go with them to take down Pepsi-Man". He glances at her "I'll catch you guys in a little bit" Spinner said, almost deadpan, similar to Altair in the first Assassin's Creed; as he disappears into an alley.

Snoopy and Burglar are walking, heading towards the house of the mad, but brilliant mind of Pillsbury Doughboy. He is exactly what it says on the tin. If you don't know what the Pillsbury Doughboy looks like, you are a sad, desperate attempt at a human being, and you have my pity. I also despise you, but that's just normal, for everyone. Anyway, this Pillsbury is a great scientist, who used to work for Aperature, before being fired for doing (these are their words, not mine) "Too much science". Can you believe it? Anyway, they are continuing their walk when....

A pegasus lands gracefully (haphazardly) in front of them. "Hello" She speaks in a graceful (hoarse) tone "My name is Gracerella". Cue Plushe running by spouting "No, your name is Derps". "Goddamn it, Plushe! Fine my name is Derps. It's short for Patrick "Derpsy", but I'm most definitely a woman. Don't think for second I'm not" She tells them. "I can't believe you didn't introduce me to your.... new friend" Derps says to Burglar. "Sorry, I don't roll that way". "Neither Do I, "Sweet Buns". Burglar looks around, before asking Derps "Hey, Derps, do you have any idea where Plato's at? You were supposed to be watching him while I was gone". "No, I don't know where that f*cking little brat is. I'm not his mother! I'm not even f*ckin' related to him!". As she finishes, a white unicorn jumps up and bites Derps left wing, ripping and tearing at it, and then turns his sights for Snoopy. Burglar leaps at him with a syringe and.... calms him down with.... syrup? "You need to f*cking watch him, next time, understand? Your wing might not end up f*cked!" Burglar turns to Snoopy "This little guy right here is named Plato".

"What the fire truck's wrong with this little f*ck? He damn near tore her f*cking wing off!". "He's a dangerously autistic child. He was constantly dropped on his head, as he was being used by his mom's boyfriends, as a part of his her BDSM racket. He was beaten so much, and lost so many brain cells, that he can no longer form language of any kind. When we found out about this, Spinner, Pillsbury, and I, busted into his house, mid-orgy, and killed the pedophile motherf*ckers, but his c*nt mom managed to escape, and we haven't seen her since. Nowadays, Spinner and I usually take care of the little guy, except for today, while I was busy, when this selfish b*tch should have been looking after him". "Christ, man...." said Snoopy "Now I feel really depressed". "Oh, don't. He's been doing a lot better. Whenever he gets worked up, I shoot him up with this neuralizer, which puts him back into working, albeit slower, order." Burglar pauses for a second as they walk. "I've actually heard that there's a machine at Pepsi-Man's mansion, that can restore the brain cells that Plato has lost, and "bring him back to life"", Burglar said, wishfully "I'm really banking on on it!" Burglar stops walking, with Snoopy stopping soon after "Here we are", proclaims Burglar "Pillsbury's Laboratory!"

This is the first chapter of my epic, absurdist masterpiece: Burglar Skullman. You can read an uncensored version here (you must have a Deviantart profile, and be over 18): http://fav.me/d5waqsc

This version may be censored, but it still contains strong language (as strong as I can have it uncensored), violent references, and sexual themes. Reader discretion advised

"Goddamn it! I can't keep this going much longer!" "Hurry up and get him in there!". A different voice: "What the hell do you want me to do about it, assh*le" A darker, meaner, threatning voice: "Got you now, motherf*cker".....

Names can be decieving. A beautiful woman being named Bertha, for example; or a weakling being named Butch, or an impotent man being named "Ladies Man Ted", or a well-hung man being named "Limp Dick Bill". Such is the case with Burglar Skullman. He is no burglar, and no skeleton. He has a birthmark around his head, which looks like that of 3 black rings, contrasted against his pale white skin, makes him to appear as a skeleton, with one of those old-timey black and white burglar beanies. He wears a green onesie, with black shoes, and green gloves to blend into said onesie. He was a simple, very complex fellow, with some rather deep, dark secrets, and a ton of enemies, though we'll come to that, later. Of course, he had a friend to help when he was getting his ass pummeled, in more ways than one. That friend was....

Burglar was walking down the street, when he came across an antropomorphic dog shouting, bewildered. The dog ran up at him and spoke "Have you seen my husband?" to Burglar. "I've been looking for him all goddamned day!", said the dog. "What does he look like, ma'am?", Burglar asked back. A masculine, though not quite butch, voice responded back "Do I look like a "ma'am" to you?". "Oh, sh*t! I apologize. I didn't realize you were....." "What? That I'm gay asked the dog. "Yeah, I heard that you were offended, so I wanted to apologize", said Burglar. "I wasn't offended that you didn't know I was gay I was offended that you thought I was a damn woman. Sh*t, is the voice, and the wonderfully slightly chiseled forearm, not enough!" the dog said with pride. "In any case..... what does he look like?" "He's a blue crayon. Crayola." "Oh, sh*t! I think that was your husband I saw being murdered over there in that alley". "Are you f*cking serious?!" asked the now even-more pissed dog. "Yeah, I'll take you to him" said Burglar, in a state of compassion. They walked over (more like ran) to the alley, to find Crayon's dead body lying there, in a state of panic, soiled pants and all. "Oh my god! Crayon! I never meant for this to happen", cried the dog, at his mutilated husband. "I'm sorry, I couldn't do anything to stop this. It was out of my hands", Burglar said to the dog.

He turns to Burglar "Did you kill him?" "No, I swear to God I didn't..... but, I know who did" "Who?!" asked the dog. "He was a can. A blue can. Of Pepsi. Not Diet Pepsi. Not Coca-Cola. Not Dr. Pepper. Not Shasta Cola. Not Stars and Stripes Cola. Not that god-awful RC sh*t. I'm talking about flat-out, frank-as-Frankenstein ('s Monster), god-damn, mother-f*cking, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*cking Pepsi!"...... "Okay..." said the dog "And I know where he lives" says Burglar "I can help you kill him". "You know where he lives? That's great!". "I know, let's get back to my place, so we can make up a plan". "No, let's call the police" says the dog. "No! We shouldn't do that" said Burglar. "Why the hell not? They can help us" he reaches for his phone, when Burglar snatches the phone, throws it on the ground, and smashes it under his foot like a man's man. "Burglar: 1, Phone: 0" proclaims Burglar. "That was really lame, what you just said". "Hey, I have been waiting years to say that again. Thanks for that, by the way". "Whatever, at least I have like two more phones, in my back pocket, b*tch!" Burglar chases the dog through the streets, hops over 2 cars in traffic, before he the dog trips and smashes the phones himself.

"Snoopy: 2, Phones: 0" says the dog, flat on his face. He gets up "What the f*ck was that for?". "Sorry, we just shouldn't bring the police into this..... wait, did you say your name was Snoopy? Like from the Funnies" Burglar asked. "I don't see how that matters, but yes, I'm THAT Snoopy". "Damn, Snoop, what the f*ck happened to you?", asked Burglar. "Aw, f*ck off. It got tough after Schultz died. I had to whore myself out to some post-2000's mediocre ABC specials, and f*cking MetLife. Oh, god, MetLife"..... "Anyway, why don't you wanna call the cops?". "Alright, sh*t, I guess I'll tell you..... I'm an assassin, alright? I really don't wanna bring attention to myself from the Fuzz, but I do wanna help you take that assh*le down. He's one of my targets" Burglar explained "If you keep quiet about this to the 5.0, then I'll get my target, and you'll get your revengeance. "Is that even a word?" asks Snoopy. "What? Assassin?". "No, I'm talking about "revengeance". Is that a word?". "Of course it's a word! Who would make some stupid-ass word like that up?" asks Burglar. "Anyway, I guess we should go get that bastard" says Snoopy. "Agreed".

They start walking towards Burglar's village. "I'm real sorry for what happened", says Burglar. "I'm sure he was a great guy". "He was. Hell, I fought the U.S. Government to legalize gay marriage, just so we could be together. Just try fencing with George W. Bush. I tell you, it's f*cking hard..... though, truth be told, the reason I came up here was to break up with him. He really liked Maroon 5's "Makes Me Wonder", and would sing it all the time, and annoy the hell out of me. So I decided to bring him down here, so I could break up with him, and leave him here. Have him find his own way back, that bastard. Although, he wandered off before I could do it, chanting "and it really makes me wonder, if I ever gave a f*ck about you" as he walked away. Now, he's dead. I liked him. he was a good friend, and didn't deserve to die. That bastard, Pepsi, he's the one that deserves to die", Snoopy said, as they walked. "Oh, hey, I never caught your name". Burglar turns to Snoopy and says "Call me Skullman. Burglar Skullman".

Remember when Sesame Street was good? Of course, you do! It was before Abby Cadabby (I checked to make sure I spelt that correctly...... I didn't spell "spelled" correctly, did I?) came and dipped the show's chip into the dip of mediocrity and damnation. Sesame Street has been on PBS for an estimated 500,000 years (give or take), and has inspired hundreds of other classic kids shows. One of those, which is better than the rest is HBO's Crashbox. If you have children, and HBO Family, chances are you've seen this show. If not, I urge you to go On Demand and watch it, since it is damn good.

Crashbox was an animated, half-hour educational mindf*ck of a show, that aired from 1999 to 2001; the show had 2 seasons. The premise is that you are inside the Crashbox, a big game console full of robots, who load the cartridges for the games you will be playing. This is a game show, through and through; but not a traditional, live-action one. Instead, it takes you through about a couple of games per episode, all of which sport there own twisted animation style, and absurd sense of humor; as well as there own genre of education. I'm not gonna describe them all, since that would take forever, but I'll tell you some of favorites. 

My favorite is Mug Shots, which stars an unseen New Yorkish detective named Verity Pines, who tasks you with listening to 4 suspects' mugshots; 3 of them will give you false trivia information, while whoever gives you correct trivia, will be the innocent one. The performances from the live-action mugshots are usually pretty funny, and believe it or not, I've actually gotten a fair share of these questions wrong. I think part of the reason I like this game so much is because Verity's voice is kinda attractive....

My second favorite is Distraction News, where the news-anchor, Dory Smarmy, will give you an eductational news report, and you have to answer some questions about what she just told you at the end. Sounds easy, right? Well, not quite. During the news reading, a bunch of twisted, crazy things will be happening on screen, and you have to try and not be distracted. One problem I have with this game is that some of the multiple-choice questions she asks you at the end are so easy, that you wouldn't have had to pay attention to get it; some are kinda hard though (it's been a while since I've been in Elementary School).

Third favorite is Psycho Math (pictured above), which is, exactly what it says on the tin. Your host is a crazy-ass robot named Professor Rocket, who sounds African-American, and is incredibly funny. He tasks you with looking at 3 pictures divided (no pun intended) by different operations; whatever's inside the pictures representing a number (number of days in the alphabet= 26, number of days in week=7). This is probably the funniest game in the whole show, as Rocker says some truly butt-gusting stuff. Order of operations is not taken into consideration during this game.

Last one I'll talk about is Think Tank (pictured above), which is hillarious because of the gratuitous depiction of a Jamaican man, A.K.A. very hard to understand. He is trapped in a fish tank, inside a submarine, and wants to escape. Somehow, you deciding what 3 random things have in common, before the water reachs the bottom, will help him do so. Even though it has the most random premise ever in existance, it's a really fun (and somewhat challenging) game.

This show does not shy away from some less than appropriate kids stuff, which is why it's rated TV-Y7, and why it's that much better. Death is constantly mentioned (usually during Mug Shots), as well as religion (rarely); there's also some mild language (what does that even mean?) and violence. This show truly does make good use of being on HBO, being able to get some crap past the radar.

The bottom line is that if you have HBO Family, and some children, you have no excuse not to watch this awesome show. Hell, even if you don't have kids, wanna test your smarts, and enjoy absurd animation, and a twisted sense of humor, you owe it to yourself to at least give this show a look-over. Crashbox airs weekdays at 10 AM (for a good couple of hours) on HBO Family, plus there are about 10 epsiodes available with Xfinity on Demand.

Crashbox gets 5 out of 5 stars.

Back at the beginning of the Millenium, Sega's Dreamcast was suffering pretty badly at the hands of the PS2; and eventually became obsolete. Sega had ported it's Dreamcast Magnum Opus, Sonic Adventure 2, to the Gamecube, and Sonic continues to live today. Some of Sega's other Dreamcast masterpieces weren't so lucky. 

Jet Set Radio, Shenmue, Crazy Taxi, and Panzer Dragoon all had sequels on the Xbox, all of which were the last of there kind. Jet Set Radio got Jet Set Radio Future, which was like the original but with better graphics, and enhanced gameplay. Crazy Taxi got Crazy Taxi 3: High Roller; Shenmue got an awesome sequel titled.... Shenmue II; and Panzer Dragoon got Panzer Dragoon Orta. All were great games, but because it was Xbox, where these game's target audience isn't, they bombed like hell, and killed off all of these amazing franchises. Shenmue II ended with a cliffhanger for Christ's sake!

Some would say that Sega is finally starting to get their sh*t together, releasing great Sonic games as of late, and re-releasing Jet Set Radio in HD. Maybe they will re-release these games in HD, and we can buy them. If enough people buy enough copies, they may consider bringing these series' back, and we can finally have Shenmue III. Come on, Sega. You were the greatest in the past, and you can have all that back if you bring back these beloved series'..... oh, and release a flawless version of Sonic '06, but that will never happen.

This is the sequel to the awesome Perkinsj26 that I had been waiting for, rushed out to the market, and tarnishing any good feelings I had about the first. This is the worst game I've ever played... EVER.

The game changes the platforming nature of the first game to a golfing simulator, where the ball keeps running away. You must guide Perkinsj26 through 2 1 hour levels as you try to hit the ball, but the game is so glitchy, that you will fall through the ground at least a hundred thousand times, before you reach the first checkpoint, which is 2 feet away. You also get to play as a car named Forza, who gets to do the game's half of racing level, because the game "breaks", both technically and literall, as it explodes, destroying your Atari Jaguar CD.

This game has the worst excuse for a story I've ever seen. The plot is that Perkinsj26, after the events of the first game, meets a car named Forza, who is being raped be Microsoft. Perkinsj26 realizes that Microsoft, and their leader, Sexyweapons, is the actual enemy, and tries to get help from what's left of Nintendo, after the catastrophic event that Perkins caused in the first game. Nintendo says that he must be in one of their Mario Golf games, after he killed Mario and the entire Mario roster. Perkins agrees, but Nintendo, just to be dicks, but an **** clause in the contract, which causes the ball to run away from you. That's it. The game does have an ending, but you'll never reach it, because of how bad the collison detection is. The ball leaves a trail, that's supposed to show you where's he at, and how to follow him, but I've learned that you can't go that way, because you'll fall through. You actually have to go out of your way to Albequerqe, past Detroit, go around Mars 8 times, and use a teleporter to warp you right past the glitched spot..... or just use the bus the spawns behind where you start out, after you reach ABQ. It's still long, but at least it's not as long as going around Mars 8 goddamned times.   

Towards the end, you actually get to play sexyweapons, picking up leaves at a park, on the Sun. This sequence goes on for about 2 seconds before the game changes into South Park 64. That's right, the game actually changes into another game.

The graphics of this game are FAR worse than the original. This is what the first game looked like:

While this game looks like:

This game looks absolutely terrible. Plus, there are too many goddamn horses. Why are there so many horses in my golf/leaf picker-upper simulator? This could have easily have gotten an 8.5., but with all these horses, I give this piece of crap a 0 out 100. I advise you to save your money, and instead buy Uncharted: Drake and Josh's Fortune:

Aqua Teen Hunger Force Zombie Ninja Pro-Am is one of the best games I've ever played, and some of that is held to the brand itself, though the gameplay and story are pretty damn fun, as well.

If you're unfamiliar with the Aqua Teen's, they're characters on one of Adult Swim's (the late-night Cartoon Network block) hit shows. The show has almost no plot, besides the plot from most episodes that do have plots. It stars an anthropomorphic Milkshake named Master Shake, a jerky, spoiled a-hole who constantly bosses Meatwad around, whom of which is a talking wad of meat, who is an adult but has tendencies of a child (and can morph his shape, but that's not interesting); Frylock, which is a very highly competent flying.... box of fries, who can shoot lasers out of his eyes (though he usually doesn't because most episodes' conflict could be fixed that way), is very intellegent, and has built at least 2 time machines over the years, takes care of Meatwad, and puts up with Shake.

They all live together, in a house in New Jersey, next to their friend Carl, a fat, white pervert human, who is usually the butt-monkey of Shake's jokes, and has ended up dead AT LEAST 20 times. Other recurring characters include a mad scientist and his lackey, named Dr. Weird and Steve, respectively. In the beginning, the Aqua Teen's used to be detectives (before their show derailed into utter lunacy), Dr. Weird was the one who created most of the monsters they would end up dealing with; but as the show went on, the Dr. Weird cold openings turned into nothing more than a non-sequitur (funny as hell, mind you). There's also a Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past From the Future, who is exactly what it says on the time, but more baffling; Dr. Wongburger, a being who looks like a pair of..... male genitals, who is fascinated with cutting people's..... genitals of to make a ship to return to Dick Planet, or burgers, or teeth, whatever he can use; and not one, not two, but three different duos of space aliens. There's the Moonites, who used to come down and make Meatwad into a badass criminal, though now they like to mess with them all as well as the Plutonians, who they hate; which are also a duo of space aliens who don't like the Aqua Teens, they really aren't evil, just kinda stupid (though, that can be said for every character who aren't the Aqua Teens and Carl.... and George Lowe); and finally the Frat Aliens, who are a duo of Fraternity-bound aliens who love to visit every once in a while (one of them really wants you to know that his father owns a dealership, and one of them is voiced by Patton Oswalt). The show also spawned a (theatrical) movie.

Dr. Weird and Steve (right to left)

Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past From the Future (right)

Wonburger (giant dick in middle)

Moonites (left)

Plutonians

A Frat Alien

Now that I got that outta the way, we can talk about the game. Frylock is invited to play golf at Jersey Pines, and has to bring along Shake and Meatwad. I could tell you more, but this is one story that you wouldn't want spoiled for you.

You know those golf games that involve you lining up your shot on a radar and another to increase distance, well this is one of those games. That's right, it's a golfing game, but with a twist. After you hit the ball, you have to battle through different enemies from the show, and get to the ball so you can hit again. This is where most of the game's charm comes from; it's the ultimate form of fanservice. During the golfing segment, you play as Shake, but during the battling segments, you can play as Shake (with different weapons as the story advances) and Frylock, who can shoot lasers, though you'll probably end up playing as Shake a lot. Now let's talk about the battling gameplay. You press the X button and whack at enemies. That's basically it. It's so basic, but so fun at the same time, that I don't mind the simplicity. There are also 3 driving segments dispersed throughout the game's 12 (huge) levels; these are one of my only problems with the game. If you're gonna make a racing portion of the game, refine the gameplay, but it doesn't happen very often, so I guess I don't mind. At the end of each level, there is (usually) a boss, that you fight to the death with, using your iron or lasers; some of them are pretty hard. This game in general is pretty damn hard, partly cause you have to start the level over after you die, which kinda sucks, but challenge is a good thing, though the levels are huge.

This game is so full of references to the show, that one can't help but suggest that you watch through the first 100 episodes of the show before playing it (though you'll probably wanna watch through more). There are two secrets on each level; one is a Broodwich, which if you collect all of them you unlock something awesome, and a clip from the show. The disc also comes with 4 episodes of Aqua Teen (one that originally wasn't even on TV, though it is now shown in rotation), to give you a taste of their fine tapestry, though the best episodes are before the 4th season.

The graphics are awesome, and really do their best to bring the Aqua Teens to 3D animation. Some might argue that it's kinda bland, but so is the animation from the show, and it's the writing and acting that makes the show so great, which it is, and it's also the best part of the game. All of the original voice-actors return to voice their respective characters (Scott Van Pelt and Cybernetic Ghost provide commentary for the course), and really push the absurdist humor of the edge, and cause a game that without it would be mediocre, to become something awesome.

This game is an absurdist masterpiece, and I advise anyone with a PS2 to try a find a copy of this game, cause it is hillarious and fun. Though it helps to be a fan of the show, anyone can enjoy this. I hereby give Aqua Teen Hunger Force Zombie Nija Pro-Am 9 and a half Rabbots out of 10.