Patchavious, the zombie cat assistant to Dr. Mattavious, cracked a whip over a chain of cowering rat gnomes.  The gnomes shivered and picked up the pace of their march up the mountain side to Mattavious' castle headquarters.  Patchavious cracked the whip again.  She found that she rather enjoyed the job of slave driver.  All the better since whenever she felt peckish she could just snatch up one of little critters and stuff it down her gullet.  She found she rather liked shoving rat gnomes down her gullet.  They were tasty.  Not as tasty as spiders, but then what is?

"Oh mighty feline, could we not rest awhile?  My old bones are aching."

The king of the rat gnomes, who had spent all of his adult life sitting studiously in his throne and attending to the many hard duties of state (for example: entertaining attractive young starlets, getting massaged, eating large meals, and most importantly taking a short nap while the royal vizier dealt with the problems of the common gnome), was finding the whole death march up a mountain routine quite trying.

Patchavious licked her lips.

The gnome king decided that from now on he'd just suffer rather than complain.  As much as he hated death marches, he hated being eaten more.  He'd already seen the royal vizier eaten.  It had looked rather unpleasant, and most certainly messy.  Messy didn't sit well with the gnome king.  Not at all.  And being digested, that REALLY didn't set well with him.  The thought rather made his stomach hurt, which only reminded him of digestion, which in turn only reminded him that he was only a few short steps from BEING digested.

Yes.  From now on he'd just suffer.  This attitude lasted for about five minutes before a much more royal idea popped into his head.

"You there!" He pointed wildly to the gnome directly in front of him--who was after all chained to him. "As your king I command that you carry me up the mountain."

The rat gnome turned around, a look of shock on his face.

"But...but...but...I don't wanna."

"I'm your KING.  What you want is immaterial.  Carry me.  Now.  Or I'll see that your wife is the next gnome eaten."

"You bastard.  My wife was the LAST gnome eaten."

"Oh...well, um, I don't suppose you have any other close family members I could personally threaten?"

"Just my new born child, but I'm sure you couldn't--"

"Excellent.  Carry me or your newborn is zombie cat chow."

Needless to say useing these rather nefarious methods the Gnome King received a completely comfortable ride to the top of the mountain.  When they arrived the elderly gnome who'd been behind him collapsed of a heart attack, and the baby's father dumped his sovereign onto the cold stone floor of the castle dungeon.  Patchavious ate the elderly gnome, locked the cell up tight and then clamored up the stairs...feeling a bit queasy from all the greasy gnome she'd eaten during the trip...to find her creator.  She found him in his favorite room in the entire castle, his lab atop the tallest tower.  By the time she'd reached the top she found that her stomach was in complete rebellion.

"There you are my pet.  I trust the Gnomes weren't too much trouble?"

Patchavious rubbed up against his legs and purred.  A piece of rotting fur came off as she was rubbing against him.  She sniffed it and then stuffed it in her mouth.  She regretted it almost immediately, although the taste was quite pleasant to her mouth.  Quite pleasant indeed.

"Now that we have the gnomes it is time we turn our attention to matters of greater importance.  Like for example getting my death ray operational.  While you've been away I've been hard at work completing it.  All we need now is to wait for a suitable thunder storm we'll harness the power of the sky and then the world shall bow before our might!  You shall be lord chancellor of earth and I shall be the supreme emperor of everything!  Whahahahahahaha!"

*

Meanwhile down in the cells the gnomes were making plans of their own.  Starting with the ousting of their former king.

"You can't outst me!  I'm the king!  The KING!  That means you do what I say, and also that you should all love me, like, a lot."

"Who says we can't oust you?"

"Well, the viser told me when I was little that no one could oust the king."

"I don't see no viser around here...do you?"

"Well, now that you mention, he may be a little eaten.  But still.  If he were with us I'm sure he'd back me."

"You were the one who threw him to that abominable cat creature shrieking 'Eat him!  Eat him!  He's much juicer than I am.' The poor bastard didn't even have time to look scandalized."

"Sometimes we have to make sacrifices."

"I couldn't agree with you more.  Who wants to sacrifice our beloved king?"

All the rat gnomes raised thier hands.  The former rat gnome king huddled in a corner while they talked about all manner of things without him.  He felt especially upset when they began discussing the results of the latest episode of Gnome Idol.  It just wasn't fair.  That was HIS favorite show.

"Funny creatures is speaking of entertainment when theys should be speaking of escape, we think don't we love?"

"Yes..."

The voices echoed throughout the dank chamber and then four multifaceted ruby eyes glowed in the darkness and moved towards the rat gnomes.  All conversation stopped, except of course for poor blind and death Henry.

"No!  I say!  I know my hearing ain't what it used to be, but Gary is going to win the competition with his tail tied between his lips.  Guys?  Why does it feel so silent?  I can feel the vibrations in the air you know.  I know when you're ignoring me and right now..." At this point one of the other gnomes hit him over the back of the head with a rock.  He collapsed to the floor in silence.

"That right there is why'd he's so blind.  People just can't stop hitting the poor guy."

"Shut it.  The spiders are going to eat us all!"

The two spiders looked at one another as slyly as spiders can possibly look, which is to say not very, but enough to count for this narrator.

"What?  Ussss?  Eat you poor widdle critters.  We wouldn't do that would we love?"

"No, no, no.  Funny critters is not to be eaten.  They's to be saved.  By us, aren't they now love, yes, yes they are."

"Yes.  Your enemy and ours are same, no?  So we see you pushed into our home and we thinking to ourselves that we finally have a chance to turn tables on her."

"Yes.  Finally have chance to destroy Patchavious...once and for all!"

Stay tuned next week for the next installment.... (yes, I can count, but the story is just to big to end in 3 parts so I'm going to draw this bad boy out a little while longer--next week will probably bring a conclusion...probably) 

In a far away land, well far away if you live far away from it at least--otherwise it's a close away land, but that doesn't sound very good so that's why us narrators always stick with far away.  Now, where was I?  Ah yes.  In a far away land under a very tall mountain in an extremely dark forest, through which passes the largest river from the deepest lake, there is a small village about the size of a shoe box.  Yes.  A shoe box.  You heard me right.

Now mind me when I say that the village wasn't made of shoe boxes, because that would just be silly.  No.  This village was built of a pulpy wood product.  You know like the kind of stuff that paper wasp nests are made of, only this stuff isn't made by wasps.  It's made by gnomes.  Yes.  Gnomes.  But not the kind that live on your front lawn.  Those wouldn't fit in the village you see, being quite a bit larger than a shoebox.

Now don't let your preconceptions lead you when it comes to these gnomes.  Not only are these gnomes quite a bit smaller than your average lawn gnome, they also bear little in resemblance to old men then you've been lead to believe.  Some have compared them to grasshoppers, but they're completely insane.  In a brilliant way, but still...insane is insane as my mom used to say.  About me.

No.  Gnomes look nothing like grasshoppers, what they do look like is rats.  Yes.  Rats.  You heard me right.  The rat gnomes of the far away land are world famous.  Well, they're at least...okay, well no one's ever heard of them before.  Until me.  I dug up a manuscript somewhere.  Or something.  Trust me when I tell you though...these gnomes are real.

"Oh mighty gnome king, we bring you tidings from the forces on the border of the forest."

"Yes your ratliness...we have much to tell you."

The Old Rat Gnome King, seated on his jeweled throne, taps his finger on the arm of his chair.

"Well, well, get on with it all ready.  I have an appointment with a masseuse in five minutes."

The two gnome guards exchange nervous glances.

"Well your twisted ruleryousness it's the castle on the mountain."

"The castle?  Mountain?  There hasn't been activity in that castle since it played an almost pivotal part in that almost pivotal war hundreds of years ago."

"I know your stinkyness, but we've sited strange vehicles moving down the road into the forces."

"So what?  The humans are always moving about in those stinky--not in the royal way of course--vehicles of theirs."

"That's not all though.  The forces.  They're being led by our arch nemisis."

"No!  Not--"

"Meow!"

The blood drained from the faces of all the gnomes in the village.  Together they darted out of thier homes and gathered in a mob.  As one they looked up and their they saw a truly awful visage.  Stitched together from corpses.  Assistant to the evil Dr. Mattavious himself.  The one, the only, Patchavious.

"She's going to eat us all!"

"Run! Run!  Save yourselves.  Leave the woman and children as bait!"

*

Meanwhile Mattavious sat up in his castle peering through a telescope.

"Yes!  My plans are coming to fruition.  Patchavious has taken the gnome village and soon I shall take the world and make it MINE!  All MINE!  Wha! ha! ha!"

Stay tuned for the thrilling conclusion to...Mattavious vs The Gnomes. 

Somewhere on a desolate mountain peak rests a castle. Storms over the years have worn the massive stone walls smooth as, well really smooth stone, which is to say smooth but not so smooth that you'd want to take a nap on it or anything. Although really, who naps on rocks? The castle once played an almost pivotal role in an almost useless war. The war started when one king told another king that he rather thought that king's mustache was silly looking and that actually he considered the other king quite ugly. Well the other king, as you may have imagined, wasn't entirely pleased with these statements. So like any self respecting King he slept with the first King's wife--which he had to admit wasn't entirely out of his way since he'd been planning on sleeping with her for months but hadn't quite figured out the best way to approach her. Should he take the approach of courtly love, and shower her with affection from afar for years on end until they finally satisfied their lust for one another in a disappointing--but none the less transforming--event? Or should he take the alternative route and just get her really drunk some time? Having been thoroughly insulted he found his mind quite made up for him. Revenge might be a dish best served cold, but he was a rather impatient King--and besides he REALLY wanted to sleep with the first king's wife.

Well, when the first King found out about this things got bloody. Hurtful things were said by all parties and before you knew it the Queen was short a head and the Kings were having themselves quite a nice war. Both of them were actually quite pleased with this turn of events, as it had been a while since they'd had a good war and it was about bloody time. So they went to war and the castle mentioned at the start of the story ALMOST became a pivotal part of the supply line. But then it didn't. And so no one ever cared about it again...

UNTIL a mad scientist purchased the castle to use as his secret base for taking over the world, and as a place where he could comfortably act as diabolically insane and evil as his wits allowed, which is to say 'very'. You may at this point in the narrative be wondering to yourself, "Self, who is this mad scientist character who is apparently very diabolically insane?" Well you can give yourself a large pat on the back.

You know, if you're into that kind of thing.

"The world will rue the day it laughed at the marvelous Dr. Mattavious! Wha! Ha! Ha!"

Ah...there the fellow in question is now. Indeed his name is Dr. Mattavious. If you would, which you will because you must do whatever I--your friendly neighborhood narrator--say, I invite you to take a look at the good--er, evil--doctor. The first thing you'd probably notice about him is the stench of evil that comes off his skin in waves. You may wonder what evil smells like. Think of a mixture of the boy's locker room and wet dog and you're in the neighborhood. Skunk and rocketfuel get's you a little closer. But the truth is that until you've smelled it, there's just nothing quite like the stench of a truly evil person.

Next you would notice his hair, which sticks out wildly in every direction. If you didn't know better, which you wouldn't except for the part where I told you, you'd almost be able to imagine that hair coming alive and sucking the life out of you. After that his eyes, always looking two directions at once, would catch your attention. Their wandering is made all the more creepy by the fact that they are actually quite attractive eyes--like almond colored diamonds.

Evil diamonds....but diamonds all the same.

He always wears the same stained white lab-coat, which he never washes--I'm sure this adds to the stench of evil he emits like a bat emits sonar.

But enough about what he looks like. You've got an imagination, so I'm sure you can conjure the image of an evil scientists easily enough. Instead let us take a look at what the mad Doctor is up to. He sits at a cold metallic table staring down at crayon sketched plans of such intricate design that no one can hope to decipher them. Actually at the moment the doctor himself seems to be having trouble with the designs. And he just drew them up ten minutes ago. A calico cat lays at the foot of the chair, and if you don't look closely you might not even realize that she is a zombie crafted from the bodies of several different cats.

"Rats Patchavious! Rats I say!"

The cat, Patchavious, looks up at the word rats. She hasn't eaten a good plump juicy rat in weeks.

"They're messing with my plans. The rat gnomes. I know it's them. They've been against me ever since I accidentally stepped on their Queen that one time."

Patchavious can't talk, but if she could she would probably say something along the lines of, "The gnomes aren't to blame you dolt, it's your bad hand writing that does you in." Instead she settles for a short meow and then falls back to sleep.

"Well I shall show them, yes, yes indeed. I don't need plans at all to complete my ultimate invention. No, no, no, it's all right here." He tapped his knee cap and winked at a spider hanging from a thread. "Yes you heard me Spider! Go and tell those no good gnome masters of yours that they haven't even slowed my diabolical schemes. And now that they've angered me I'm going to turn my ultimo destructo beam of DEATH on them first. Wha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!"

For any readers that may be wondering I should probably mention that the spider Dr. Mattavious is currently ranting at is in fact just a spider. It has no idea what he's yelling on about. In fact before Mattavious is even done laughing Patchavious leaps up onto the table and chomps the spider down in a single bite. She licks her lips. Spiders taste like chicken she thinks, only chicken that actually tastes good instead of chicken that tastes like chicken.

"Ah yes my pet!" Mattavious runs on glove covered hand along her back, admiring his stitch work the entire time. "Excellent job eating that pathetic gnome agent! First the gnomes and then....the world shall be ours, all ours!!!!!!"

There once was a mouse named Super Fly.  He was a very fat mouse.  Everyday when he woke up the first thing Super Fly did, even before eating breakfast, which was always very big because otherwise how would he have gotten so fat, and even before getting out of bed, was put on his cape.  Without his cape he was just George the Mouse.  But with that cape he was Super Fly!

He could fly, because why else would he be called Super Fly, but he did better than just fly.  He super flew.  Many people don't know what it is to super fly so let me explain.  A normal flying mouse, which is actually very common, is quite good at flying in straight lines, and sometimes even slightly curved lines.  But only a super flying mouse can fly loop-di-loops.  Every civilized person knows that loop-di-loops are totally the coolest way to fly that there ever was or ever will be.

Now many of the other mice were very jealous of Super Fly, because he could super fly and they most certainly could not.  Super Fly was very careful not to show off too much to the other mice, but all the same they were never very nice to him.  They would call him Super Fat, and Georgie Pourgie, and many other hurtful names besides.  Now mostly Super Fly was quite good at ignoring the very not nice things that were said to him. But one day a mouse named Lancelot, who was a very dashing mouse with sleek fur and very shiny black eyes, pulled on Super Fly's cape.  Riiiiiip!  A long strip of cloth came off and Lancelot laughed boisterously, while all the girl mice giggled with him.

"Georgie Pourgie has a ripped cape!" They chanted over and over until Super Fly of the ripped cape just couldn't take it anymore.

Up, up and a way he flew in a the most amazing loop-di-loop any of the mice had ever seen.  The curves were mathematically precise.  Super Fly looped and looped higher and higher into the sky until he was even above the clouds, and above the mountains, and all the way out into space.  There Super Fly found a Super Death Laser.  "Do not fire without permission!" said a very nice note taped to the laser.  Super Fly was so angry he didn't even see the words.  Instead of reading he pointed that laser back at the earth and aimed it ever so carefully back at his mouse home where all the other mice lived and blasted away at them till there was nothing left but a very large hole in the earth.

Then he loop-di-looped his way back to earth to examine his handy work.  His home was gone and with it all the food he'd stored in his secret stash.  Super Fly was very angry about this.  He'd learned a very valuable lesson this day.

"Whenever the other mice are being mean to you, be sure that you don't accidentally blow up all your food while blasting them to smithereens."

The Alien Chronicles

The aliens hit me over the head with a baseball bat knocking me across the room. See. Now that is why I should have had a baseball bat with me. Hitting people over the head is fun. And good exercise to boot. All I had was a lousy shotgun. I mean really. The aliens formed into a group huddle and seemed to confer about something, then they moved for the front door--my Xbox 360 still firmly in hand. It was all over. Nothing I could do but lie there and feel useless. Also my head hurt a little so I rubbed it, but mostly I just felt useless. It didn't help that no matter how much I rubbed, my head just WOULDN'T stop hurting.

Wait a minute...head...I had a head. Heads have brains--I have it on good authority. Brains are good for thinking. Ergo I must be good at thinking. So all I needed to do was use my head to come up with some way of stopping the aliens. Some way...hmm, I supposed that if I could just find some way propelling little pieces of metal at high speeds I might be able to stop those aliens without even getting hit in the head with a baseball bat. I really hadn't like it the first time. I mean it was fine as far as getting hit in the head with blunt objects go, but it just wasn't as fun as being hit in the head with, say, an anvil. Now that is fun. Seriously, try it out some time. You can't possibly lose, well I mean unless you do in which case, uh, I'm not sure, but you really shouldn't worry about it because I'm sure you won't lose. You know, probably won't lose at least.

So if I just had some sort of...shooting stick of death. But no. I didn't have any such thing. I tapped my head with the butt of the shotgun. Some sort of powder explosive perhaps could propel the little bits of metal. Eureka! I shot the gun into the ceiling and whooped as plaster dusted down into my hair. I could use a straw to shoot spitwads at the aliens. That would teach them a lesson they wouldn't soon forget. I ran to the kitchen and grabbed a straw and stuffed a wad of paper towels into my mouth. Those gray alien bastards were going down.

I caught up with them down the street. One of the aliens was sitting on the curb. Next to him rested the 360's power supply.

"I am sorry comrades. But the white box of joy's power apparatus is quite large."

"Indeed. It must be filled with the most potent joy in all the universe to require such a large powering block."

"No. I mean it's a pretty good system, you know when all the stars align and it actually works, but I just don't think that it has the library to consider it the most potent joy in the universe." It seemed quite nice of me to warn them that the system wasn't all that and a box of crackers. A box of crackers...maybe, but all THAT? I don't think so.

One of the aliens turned to meet me.

"Surely you do not doubt the fun of the spinning wars? All of the earth publications seem quite taken with it."

"Spinning wars? I don't know what the hell you're talking about. Actually I think now's the time to stop talking and start shooting."

The paper in my mouth had melted to the consistency of icecream on a warm summer day. You know, if ice cream were made of paper towels. Seriously, have you ever considered just how tasty paper towels are? Maybe we should stop eating each other and start eating paper towels. Wouldn't the world be a better place?

I opened fire.

The alien who had turned to talk to me went flying back to the sidewalk. Like a bolt of lightning, if lightning were made of people and not electricity, I turned and blasted the alien sitting on the side walk. One by one I took them down.

"My eye! My precious, precious eye!"

"I've been hit brothers! Save yourselves!"

But it was too late for all of them. I moved into their midst, bodies writhing on the ground and picked up the Xbox 360. I had persevered. I had proven my worth. But as I stood there and surveyed the carnage that I had left behind it occurred to me that maybe the cost for my broken Xbox 360 had been too much. Maybe I had gone too far. Maybe...maybe a lot of things.

"The pain! The pain!"

"I can not feel my arm."

"When, when will the hurting end?"

"What fools these mortals be--er, I mean, um 'ow'...sorry I was running out of pain exclamatories."

With a feeling of darkness in my soul I dispatched each of the long suffering aliens with a shotgun blast to the head. Leaving that grisly scene, dragging the power brick behind me, I felt a wave of cool air blow down from the front of a summer thunder storm.

Wait. Battlestar Galactica was on that night! This thought jumped into my head and I quickly forgot about the aliens I had left behind. I tossed my Xbox into the nearest dumpster and ran all the way home. The rain and wind whipped against the walls of my snug little house, and somewhere down the street a little boy found the remains of six aliens. He was still inspecting the corpses when the alien's parents found him there, logically assumed he was responsible, and incinerated him. His parents never knew what happened to him until they read this blog. Then they knew but they weren't very happy about it. How do I know, you may wonder, well I know everything. Duh.

None of it mattered though because I was watching Battlestar Galactica. Yea me!

End

The Alien Chronicles

The aliens had eyes. No, no, not just eyes. No Sir E. Bob. Understand me when I say these were bulging black dinner platesized...hmmm, maybe not quite that large. Let's go with, uh, sandwich plate. But LARGE sandwiches. Not too large, but large. You get the idea.
Also they were gray. The aliens not the sandwiches...or the eyes, but then I just told you the eyes were black so if you thought I meant the eyes you must be an idiot. And probably ugly to boot.
But, I mean, really! Aliens in my house. Where did they get off...taking my Xbox 360!?! No. Not just an Xbox 3560, a launch Xbox 360. Do you have any idea what I had to do? The people I had to...on second though lets not go there, or think about it. Or acknowledge it at all. You there! I see you thinking about it. Stop. Stop it right now.
No.
I said no.
Oh whatever.
Of course the Xbox 360 doesn't even work anymore, but if you were paying any attention at all to my ramblings you'd know that. Hello, I said launch system. Of course it doesn't work. I mean I would have sent it in for replacement, but, um, no. No, I don't think so. Like I said, we won't talk about what I had to do to get that system. Except for right here. And above where I talked about it, but I'm only talking about it to tell you not to talk about it or think about it.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
The aliens looked up and blinked their big black eyes at me. I may have inadvertently screamed. Just a little though. The aliens tilted their heads and looked at one another. I screamed again. Hey! They were really creepy. Don't you be judging me.
"We are taking your great white box of glee," They continued moving, humming a Green Day song as they worked.
I stepped in front of them. Yes. That's right. I am that brave.
"Stop," I said, my voice only quivering a little, tiny, incy, wincy, bit.
They stopped. I screamed some more. And cried a little bit. And all that baby stuff. No, really, they were scary and I was standing right in their way.
To find out what happened next I guess you'll just have to tune in next week (I really need to stop ending these things with me crying--this is two weeks in a row and I think it's making me look bad).

The Alien Chronicles

The crash wakes me from a deep sleep. I know because my eyelids are weighed down, as though by little pulling fairy hands. I hate all that fantasy stuff though, so bad metaphor. Point is they were heavy, what with the two hours of sleep.

I stumbled up, tripped, stumbled back up, and slapped myself across the face. It hurt. I had hoped it would shake the fairies (seriously, hating that metaphor--I really should find another) loose. It didn't work. Mostly it just made my face sting.

More crashing, breaking plates, appliances on the floor, and the cat yowling. I reached for the baseball bat I kept under the bed, realized I didn't keep a bat under the bed, resisted the urge to cry, then wandered to find a bat.

Okay, so I didn't have a bat.

Or a golf club.

Or really anything...

Except for a shotgun. I did have a shotgun. So what? I don't play sports. I do, however, like to shoot stuff. Video games made me this way and music and videos. Sex. Sex probably had something to do with it. Somehow.

What was I talking about again? Oh...right. The sounds of ransacking in my kitchen...living room by now. Oh no. Not my porno collection. Wait? Did I just write that? Replace "porno" with, er "poetry". Too lofty? How 'bout...oh, I don't know. Just pick something, anything, less pathetic than "porno".

Time to blow away some robbers.

After talking to them of course. I'm a reasonable man after all. Very reasonable. Also violent, but not too violent. That would be bad.

I navigated the shadows and crept down the stairs taking care to step over the creaky step. Like a jungle cat I slunk...slunk? What an odd word. Is that really how you form the simple past of "slink?" I slinked around the...no, no, that's not right at all. We'll stick with "slunk".

I slunk across...but I just don't like how it sounds, you know? Oh, what the hades. I crossed the room and slammed into my grandfather clock. It fell over. Loudly. I cried a bit. Then I saw the aliens. They were scary so I cried some more. It was nice. Been a while since I had myself a good cry.

To be continued, next Friday as always...well at least as it's been for the last month or so.

A giant squid leapt out of the water and began to grasp for me with its long reaching tentacles. Did I scream like a little girl, shriek and shriek for my mommy?
You'd better believe it, it went something like this:
"Ieeeeeeeeeeee! Mommy Mommy! I don't want to die! Eat him, he's much tastier than me, or maybe that little girl over there! I'm sure she's much better to eat than me, I'm all skin and bones!"
Now dear reader I don't want you to think I'm a coward, it's just that in moments of extreme stress, you know--math tests, girls, anything in which they're involved, those kittens with the really big eyes, and when giant squid leap out of the water and start dragging me toward their beak like maws, well in those kinds of situations I may sound like some kind of coward. Inside I'm resolute and fearless though. Of that you can be sure of, as sure of as that sun revolves around the earth. What? It's true. Trust me, I've been to the sun one or two times. Have you? I thought not.
So anyway there I was, my death before me, but at the last moment a blur of blue fur cracked the sound barrier and embedded itself into the squids flesh. You know how in video games when the bad guy is beat he pops into smoke?
Well real life isn't at all like that. What happened instead involved a geyser of blood. Lots of blood. Like, seriously, so much blood I just didn't think it would ever stop. Sonic crawled out of the corpse painted crimson.
"Man! Red just isn't my color. I miss the robots."
Bubsy the Bobcat sauntered up to Sonic and planted a paw on his shoulder.
"That's was some battle, eh Bud?"
Sonic's hands turned into fists.
"Oh...what's all this then?" Bubsy inspected the blood on his paw. "Oh...my...gosh. Is this what I think it is?"
Sonic and I ignored him in hope that maybe if we did he would just cease to exist. Our hopes were, to say the least, naive. But we all have our delusions. We have to.
"It is isn't it? Cherry sauce! What the world was that giant squid doing filled with cherry sauce. Do you suppose he's the one who broke into that cherry sauce factory over there?"
Bubsy pointed to a tree. A very small, broken tree. He walked over to it and tilted his feline shaped head.
"I'm sorry sir, but you can rest safe now that the cherry sauce eating monster is destroyed." He patted a tree branch and started to purr.
"Bonk no like talking to trees. Trees no talk back. Trees no smash!"
Sonic and I both let out a sigh of relief. We'd sent Bonk to scout Robotnik's secret fortress several days ago after setting up camp next to the sea of sorrow (as a helpful tourist historical sign told us it was named).
"Bonk! You're alive!"
"Bonk no die. Bonk get many little Bonks to take Bonks place when Bonk no live. Bonk find way into big man cave! Bonk want smash, but Bonk hear scream. So Bonk come back. Is cherry sauce?"
Sonic growled, but made no reply.
"No Bonk, this is blood. This squid came up out of the water and tried to eat me. God only knows what forsaken game he came from."
The next day we broke camp and followed Bonk over the desert of death to Robotnik's hideout. He led us through a side door which led, improbably, to Robotnik's lab where he was working to open the doorway of doom.
"Stop it right there Eggman!"
"Oh bother? The hedgehog? Still alive? I thought you ate yourself to death on those chili dogs you love so."
Sonic sneered.
"No chili dog alive can kill me!"
"Bonk no like chili! Bonk eat mammoth flesh."
"Mammoth always tasted like chicken to me." I added helpfully. Robotnik's eyes widened and then he started to laugh.
"What do we have here? A fellowship of heroes! You've been reading too much Tolkien Sonic. A cat--thing, caveman, human, and hedgehog. You really are the most pathetic hero the world has ever known. No wonder you got me banished to the land of lost video game characters. Well no more, me and my bride are going to take over the world once and for all!"
"You'll have to get through us first!"
"Um, no, I really won't. You're over there, the portal is behind me. So really I don't need to go anywhere near you. it's a quite obvious fact."
"Eggy! Eggy! Are we leaving yet? I want to be queen of the world already!"
A young blond woman in an incredibly revealing dress teetered into the room on high heels they probably could better be described as stilts.
"The preschool teacher! Don't worry, I'm here to rescue you!"
"Oh, you again. I don't need any rescuing. My little honey bear has promised me all the jewels in the world. Also he's really good in the sack."
I shuddered. "Really more information than I needed to know."
"I needed to know." Bubsy smiled and winked.
"Enough with all this banter! Lets break a few eggs!"
And like that the battle was on. I'd tell you it was an exciting duel of fates, but it was really pretty boring. Sonic jumped on Robotnik's head. Bonk smashed a few robots. I knocked the preschool teacher unconscious and swung her over my shoulder. And Bubsy...I think Bubsy started to lick the wall or something. Really. Try not to think much about him.
Pretty big let down huh? Bet you wish you hadn't wasted two whole minutes of your miserable life reading it? Well jokes on you loser!
Sonic came back with me thorough the doorway of doom. Bonk closed the gate behind us and promised not to let anymore crazed video game super villains open it up. I dumped the preschool teacher on the playground, where all the little toddlers quickly proceeded to climb all over her--covering her entire body in mucus.
Sonic went on to star in the moderately successful Wii game and me? Well, as they say--uh, nowhere really,--I had my house robbed by aliens. Read all about it in the upcoming Aline Chronicle Storyline.

I sat in a cozy little room nestled beneath the knothole encrusted trunk of an ancient tree. A fire crackled and popped in a small stone fireplace, and in it's shadows I watched the face of none other than Sonic the Hedgehog. The black wind began to blow.

"So let me get this straight. The doorway of doom leads to..."

"This wretched cess pool of a world? Yeah, you got it man. The land of lost video game characters."

"I don't understand, you're still around. I see you on store shelves all the time..."

Sonic threw his still half full glass of gin into the fire, which swallowed it in a greedy flare.

"That isn't me! Don't you see? Don't you even see at all? It's an impostor. An impostor I say!"

"Oh. Well, I suppose that explains why you've sucked so much recently..."

He glared at me and shook his head.

"Yeah. Him and his thin Eggman. It disgusts me! But what are you going to do am I right?"

A knock came at the door. Sonic spun like a saw blade through the air and landed with a thud to peer suspiciously through the peep hole.

"Oh no! Go away! I'm not home. No one's home."

"I'm home." I chimed in usefully.

"Argh...fine." With a grunt he threw the door open revealing a cave man with an exceptionally large head and a cat wearing a shirt with the letter 'B' stitched on the front.

"Hey guy! It's your favorite friends!"

"Wait? Do I know you?"

I got up and inspected the cat more closely. There was something about him and his horribly digitized voice that felt familiar. Too familiar. Okay, maybe not too familiar, but really damn familiar all the same let me tell you.

"Sure you do guy! I'm Bubsy the Bobcat, the greatest video game character to come out of the...well the greatest video game character ever."

"Bubsy? No, never heard of him."

"Never heard of Bubsy? Who does this guy think he is?"

"Bonk smash!!!" The caveman leapt up into the air and landed with a boom on his head. Cracks crept out from underneath in a neat lattice work.

"My floor!" Sonic fell to his knees. "My precious, precious floor. It's all I have left and you come in here and smash it up."

"Bonk like smash. It feel like chocolate chip cookies."

Nobody had anything to say to that. In the background I heard a drone of noise as Bubsy continued to talk. I'd tell you what he said, but I can't seem to actually remember it. You'd almost think he hadn't been there at all if it weren't for the fact that I still have a ball of yarn. I'm pretty sure he gave it to me. I just don't remember why.

"...so anyway. Here's a ball of yarn to remember me by! Just remember guy, when you want the best--you want bubsyest."

"Er...yeah. I'll try and remember that." I shook my head. "So have any of you seen a preschool teacher by any chance?"

"She have short blond hair? Kind of perky jugs? Dreamy blue eyes that swallow your soul like Cool Spot drinks a can of 7 up?" Bubsy blinked at me and I backed up a few steps.

"Well, yeah, although I don't think I'd put it quite like that."

"Yeah, I saw her with Robotnik the other day. Man, I tell you if I wasn't a bobcat I'd tap me some of that action."

"The girl or Robotnik?"

"Does it matter?"

This time everyone backed up a few steps.

"I'm going to stab my brain out now." Sonic held out a long sharp needle. "Anyone want it when I'm done?"

"Oh! Oh! I do! I do!" I held up my hand and jumped up and down eagerly. "I love damaging my brain."

"Bonk no have brain! Bonk have SMASHER!"

"So, uh, Sonic. Before we stab out our brains, you know where Robotnik's at? Cause I really got to go rescue that teacher--"

"And tap that action?"

I ignored him. But for some reason the twitch in my eye just wouldn't go away.

"Sure. Robotniks at the gate room in the center of this land. I think he's trying to open up the doorway of doom and take over the entire world. Or something. I've been too depressed to think about it."

I chewed on my lip.

"So he's the one behind the door way of doom opening up? I should have smelled he rosy stench behind this. That's it. Sonic, you've got to stop mopping around. Eat this chili dog I've been storing in my back pocket and let's go stop Robotnik once and for all (until the inevitable sequel of course)."

"Jumping jupiter! You're right Ax23000! I've been looking at it all wrong. It's time to kick robot butt!"

And so we were off. A squad of four heroes, okay so we didn't actually want to take Bubsy with us--but that guy is really hard to get rid of. We were going to rescue the girl, stop the villian, and restore balance to the universe once and for...oh you get the idea.

Stay tuned next Friday for the thrilling conclusion to The Doorway of Doom.

The Door Chronicles

"Back! Back fowl demons of deathly darkness!"

I was backed into a corner and I didn't know if I was going to make it. I've faced some pretty evil stuff in the past--talking starfish, squads of troops, hamster armies, a shark, and even Gordon Freeman himself. Oh...and this one time there were these crickets in my house....makes me just shudder thinking about the little buggers and their twitchy little antennae. But nothing...and I mean really nothing...prepared me for the doom that had me surrounded on every corner.

"Uppsie! Uppsie!"

That's right, no, no--don't try to comfort me--I was at a preschool surrounded with the source of all snot. Toddlers. At least, well I don't remember for sure so let's just make up a number--um 1,000 of them. That sounds realistic doesn't it? Hello? Anyone there? Okay so maybe I'm exaggerating a little bit, but it sure felt like there were a 1000 of them. All reaching out with their sticky little paws. The smell coming off them alone was enough to send me reeling against the chain link fence I'd been backed up against.

I thought for sure I was a goner.

"I want a piggy back ride!"

"Me too! "

"No! Me! Me!"

"MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"Back I say! I know Kar-a-tay (spelling altered to get across my superior pronounciation)"

"Let's play battle!"

And like that they lept at me, at one another, even at a poor unsuspecting squirrel. They were indiscriminate in their blind battle enraged vision. I tried to protect myself, but they were like a force of nature--and forces of nature have a tendency to kick my booty all over the place.

"Kids? Come on guys time to go back inside! Hey? Are you fighting again? Stop that!"

I was saved! At long last saved! The teachers got out their lassos and brought sanity back to the world. But when the hoard was gone and I could again see the ever burning sun in the sky I realized that my salvation may have come far too late. There was gum in my hair and strange sticky paste that burned slightly all over my right arm. I don't even want to tell you what I found coating my pants. It wasn't a pretty sight. One of the teachers came over to check on me.

"Who the hell are you and what were you doing harassing those poor kids?"

"Water....water..." My throat felt like it was on fire and I could see black on the edge of my vision. Was this finally it for Ax23000?

"Fine. Don't answer. But I'm having the cops called. You can explain it all to them."

"Too late for me. Not going...to make...it much longer. You must...must find the doorway of doom! It is the only hope of the world...only hope."

The teacher backed off a few steps, her eyes wide with awe at my profound dying words. I had placed in her hands the greatest responsibility that anyone had ever been given. The only reason I had come here to this pit of death, destruction, and mucus--the mighty doorway of doom. Legend has it that every video game generation the door of doom opens and let's loose--oh whatever, it's a big old thing with bad stuff coming out of the door. I don't really feel like explaining, and besides I'll probably just end up contradicting it later.

The teacher continued to back up, into the sandbox now. Suddenly the sand gave way beneath her, sending her reeling down, down, down into the a dark hole that had opened up mysteriously. I jumped to my feet and knelt over to inspect the opening. The toddlers seemed to have covered it up in hopes of luring someone inside. I looked down, but saw only blackness.

This could be only one thing. The doorway of doom. Foretold and all that other stuff. My destiny. I shrugged off my once mortal wounds. Now was not the time for dying. That poor teacher had fallen into the doorway of doom and now only I, Ax23000, could rescue her from a fate worse than death.

I jumped into the hole.

When I awoke a blue face was staring down at me.

"Hey Dude, welcome to the planet that's as cool and blue as I am."

I blinked.

"Sonic the Hedgehog?!?"

To be continued next Friday...