I blog rarely I'm well aware, and I'm doubting many will read this, but I figured, as the year begins to come to it's close, I'll provide you all whom actually give this a glance, my thoughts and experiences. So here I go in pouring out my thoughts, experiences and analysis of both from these past twelve months, and just a slight warning but some of it is going to be a bit frank on all these, so if you don't like a guy talking about his homosexuality at points and his interests therein then don't read this (although I will also assure those with the strength to read that this that such things are not the focus of this, and so shall only make up a brief portion of this blog). Well then, let's get started...
This year has been an odd one for me, it's had some ecstatically high points and some moments the felt lower than Atlantis. The year did start of with a nice set of fireworks, metaphorically of course, seeing in the new year with my beloved boyfriend of two years now (well I suppose in technicality two and half, but why stress the details?), frankly the best way to see in the new year I personally think with an evening full of nice food, nice drink, nice films, cuddling, kissing, intimacy, your usual couple stuff in a sense, I am, after all, one that gets a big kick out of love and romance (maybe that's why I enjoy love songs so much?). Not long after that however, university once again took over and lectures and work became a priority, a fine distraction a times and horridly stressful at times, which frankly wasn't helped by one lecturer being completely unhelpful and a dick (surely it's not too much trouble to email a copy of the seminar readings to a student who's having trouble getting access to online resources rather than blame him for something clearly out his control?).
I should note however, university isn't all dismissal and doom and gloom, after all two modules were just a reaffirment that, whilst plenty people find the subjects boring, I find the theoretical sides of politics and sociology fascinating, be it Nietzsche's nihilism and the 'death of God' in politics, or the ever growing with sphere of the medical profession in western society and how this might be making us incapable of coping things we once could in sociology; to name but a couple examples of course, we'd be here for a good few days if I went into every little thing. University also at the start of the year had reconfirmation of something I've noticed since college, namely that back in school I used to despise giving presentations and talking in front of class, yet steadily since college I've found myself no longer having a problem with this sort of work, and even lately preferring this sort of work compared to others (I find I work better and put more effort into it compared to say researching and writing up essays or studying for exams). University time earlier in the year also saw me on a search that came to fruition during the summer holidays.
This search namely was for a place of my own, got together with a friend I'd made last year and suggested we get a flat together since he'd need one for this year. Thankfully after a bit of searching we found a nice place, and once we'd seen the decent quality of it and how much rent and stuff would be, we quickly decided to snatch it up before anyone else could, with us moving in during the middle of June, our contract lasting a year. Perhaps a bit odd since I'm 20 going on 21 and a student, but this is actually my first time properly living away from home, although I do plenty odd things so that's nothing new really. The finance side and all truly is a major pain in the ass, but all in all having a place of my own definitely feels worth it. Alas, during those summer holidays I found myself going through moments of downer points in my mood being unable to see my boyfriend much with him returning home for several months before his second year of university. Although other good sides are, naturally, life skills, after all I wouldn't have had a clue how to do several things I do know, so even the downer moods are quite worth it (even if they don't feel it at the time).
Moving on from literal accounts however, I have to also comment that like last year, 2012 has been something of a year of self discovery on a more personal level. Through the year I've had a few strange experiences that I definitely couldn't have seen myself having some years ago, a major one perhaps is giving a trial run of an open relationship, which in short is one wherein you can devote yourself in terms of a relationship and love to one person, but are open to sex with others (after all sex and love don't necessarily coincide, and I'm not here to discuss whether this is right or wrong, this is merely musings on my experiences during the year, I quite frankly couldn't give a crap if you think this wrong). To this end I confess to having had a brief thing with one other guy besides my boyfriend, he was quite nice and all and there's no denying I enjoyed the sex with him. Although, I found during this, with a comparison point, that I came to like my boyfriend even more in terms of my physical interests in a man. The guy I had a fling with was pretty thin, and as I said I did enjoy my time with him, but I realized that I have a preference for a bit of a bigger body mass (not saying my boyfriend is fat or anything, but he certainly had a bit more to put my arms around than this other guy). Although this guy also showed me that I had something of an interest in a guy with a bit of face and body fluff. Funny what you find out when you try things, eh?
This year's also seen plenty a shift in my interests in entertainment and such. For quite some time my primary interest musically has been electro house, I mean I've enjoyed plenty things around that but electro house managed to be my main interest. However this year, whilst still liking that style, I've found myself drifting from it as my primary interest and now find my main interests seeming to be psychedelic rock and pop, especially some of the more modern bands (The Flaming Lips, Animal Collective and Black Moth Super Rainbow to list but a few). It's also worth noting that I've also found a growing interest in drone and more experimental stuffs also. However, I find I've also back tracked a bit, with the previous year saw me starting and rather enjoying lap swimming here and there, I've been awfully lazy about it, having only been a few times this year, something I'm not to pleased in myself for doing and hope to remedy in the coming year.
Finally, we go into the brief foray into Havel, Havel of course being the first president of the Czech Republic and a prolific playwright, essayist, dissident and politician. I recently find out in reading and university work that in his work he puts forward the idea of the 'post-totalitarianism', i.e. a society with a totalitarian system, but one in which the people have since lost the belief in the ideology that created the totalitarian state, and yet the people keep the system running because there appears to be no other way. Why do I suddenly reflect on this? Well no I'm not saying in anyway that the UK is totalitarian or an awful place (but I'm no patriot either), but in reading and hearing this I felt an instant understanding of it's concept in that you keep inputting and upkeeping a system because you think there's no other way, rather than any true devotion or loyalty to the system, plenty a point in time this year I've felt this in what I do, especially with regards to studies and all, i.e. that there's plenty I engage in that I don't truly believe in but simply because there appears to be no other way. I'm sure you can imagine this especially becomes a dilemma when much of the time you feel like that no matter whether you keep on upkeeping this process you're damned and can't do a thing about it. Oh well, here's hoping the future will be kinder than my paranoid thoughts.
Well, all in all, it's been an interesting year I think, hopefully seeing out the rest of it will go smoothly, and here's hoping for a nice 2013. And instead of ending on that downer of post-totalitarianism, I shall leave you this parting gift in the form of one of my favourite songs: Take Care by Beach House. It's a song that always manages to make me feel good, like it manages to completely capture the feeling of love, and just reminds me that where I am in my relationship currently, I can honestly and truly say that I want to grow old with my love.
Hopefully you others out there have had a nice 2012, and that 2013 treats you kindly.
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