The Blues

1.Most Blues tunes begin with: "Woke up this morning..."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick

something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman,

"who only got two teeth" or, "the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it.
Then find something that rhymes... sort of:
"Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman
with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, -- ain't no way out.

5.Blues cars: Chevy, Ford, and broken-down old trucks.
Blues don't ride around in Volvos, German Cars, SUVs or a British luxury car.

you can't sing the blues in a Beemer or a Jag.

Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train.

Jet aircraft, motor pools, and public transportation ain't even in the running.

Walkin' is a major part in the blues lifestyle. So is fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet.

teenage angst is a problem but the frustration from

school and hormones doesn't qualify as The Blues.

Adults singthe Blues.

In the Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get

the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place

in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is just clinical depression.

Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues.

You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get no rain.

8. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong.

Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

9. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass

Bad places for the Blues:
a. Nordstrom's
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses
e. resort hotels

10. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
Yes, if:
a. you're older than dirt
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied

No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a 401K or trust fund

11. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck.

Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could.

Ugly, poor, white people also got a leg up on the blues.

12. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you kerosine, it's the Blues.
Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. cheap wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. nasty black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Wine Cooler
d. Slim Fast
e. Diet Coke

13. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death.
Gettin' stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another good Blues way to die.

So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a
broken-down cot -- especially if there are maggots or bedbugs.

You can't have a Blues death if you die during a golf or tennis match or
while getting liposuction.

14. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Georgia
e. Caledonia

15. Some Blues namesfor men:

a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Otis
d. Rufus
e. Leroy

16. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Tiffany, Brooke,
Brittany and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they
shoot in Memphis.

17.No matter how tragic your life is, if you own a
computer, you cannot sing the blues!