In a far away land, well far away if you live far away from it at least--otherwise it's a close away land, but that doesn't sound very good so that's why us narrators always stick with far away.  Now, where was I?  Ah yes.  In a far away land under a very tall mountain in an extremely dark forest, through which passes the largest river from the deepest lake, there is a small village about the size of a shoe box.  Yes.  A shoe box.  You heard me right.

Now mind me when I say that the village wasn't made of shoe boxes, because that would just be silly.  No.  This village was built of a pulpy wood product.  You know like the kind of stuff that paper wasp nests are made of, only this stuff isn't made by wasps.  It's made by gnomes.  Yes.  Gnomes.  But not the kind that live on your front lawn.  Those wouldn't fit in the village you see, being quite a bit larger than a shoebox.

Now don't let your preconceptions lead you when it comes to these gnomes.  Not only are these gnomes quite a bit smaller than your average lawn gnome, they also bear little in resemblance to old men then you've been lead to believe.  Some have compared them to grasshoppers, but they're completely insane.  In a brilliant way, but still...insane is insane as my mom used to say.  About me.

No.  Gnomes look nothing like grasshoppers, what they do look like is rats.  Yes.  Rats.  You heard me right.  The rat gnomes of the far away land are world famous.  Well, they're at least...okay, well no one's ever heard of them before.  Until me.  I dug up a manuscript somewhere.  Or something.  Trust me when I tell you though...these gnomes are real.

"Oh mighty gnome king, we bring you tidings from the forces on the border of the forest."

"Yes your ratliness...we have much to tell you."

The Old Rat Gnome King, seated on his jeweled throne, taps his finger on the arm of his chair.

"Well, well, get on with it all ready.  I have an appointment with a masseuse in five minutes."

The two gnome guards exchange nervous glances.

"Well your twisted ruleryousness it's the castle on the mountain."

"The castle?  Mountain?  There hasn't been activity in that castle since it played an almost pivotal part in that almost pivotal war hundreds of years ago."

"I know your stinkyness, but we've sited strange vehicles moving down the road into the forces."

"So what?  The humans are always moving about in those stinky--not in the royal way of course--vehicles of theirs."

"That's not all though.  The forces.  They're being led by our arch nemisis."

"No!  Not--"

"Meow!"

The blood drained from the faces of all the gnomes in the village.  Together they darted out of thier homes and gathered in a mob.  As one they looked up and their they saw a truly awful visage.  Stitched together from corpses.  Assistant to the evil Dr. Mattavious himself.  The one, the only, Patchavious.

"She's going to eat us all!"

"Run! Run!  Save yourselves.  Leave the woman and children as bait!"

*

Meanwhile Mattavious sat up in his castle peering through a telescope.

"Yes!  My plans are coming to fruition.  Patchavious has taken the gnome village and soon I shall take the world and make it MINE!  All MINE!  Wha! ha! ha!"

Stay tuned for the thrilling conclusion to...Mattavious vs The Gnomes.