I sat in a cozy little room nestled beneath the knothole encrusted trunk of an ancient tree. A fire crackled and popped in a small stone fireplace, and in it's shadows I watched the face of none other than Sonic the Hedgehog. The black wind began to blow.

"So let me get this straight. The doorway of doom leads to..."

"This wretched cess pool of a world? Yeah, you got it man. The land of lost video game characters."

"I don't understand, you're still around. I see you on store shelves all the time..."

Sonic threw his still half full glass of gin into the fire, which swallowed it in a greedy flare.

"That isn't me! Don't you see? Don't you even see at all? It's an impostor. An impostor I say!"

"Oh. Well, I suppose that explains why you've sucked so much recently..."

He glared at me and shook his head.

"Yeah. Him and his thin Eggman. It disgusts me! But what are you going to do am I right?"

A knock came at the door. Sonic spun like a saw blade through the air and landed with a thud to peer suspiciously through the peep hole.

"Oh no! Go away! I'm not home. No one's home."

"I'm home." I chimed in usefully.

"Argh...fine." With a grunt he threw the door open revealing a cave man with an exceptionally large head and a cat wearing a shirt with the letter 'B' stitched on the front.

"Hey guy! It's your favorite friends!"

"Wait? Do I know you?"

I got up and inspected the cat more closely. There was something about him and his horribly digitized voice that felt familiar. Too familiar. Okay, maybe not too familiar, but really damn familiar all the same let me tell you.

"Sure you do guy! I'm Bubsy the Bobcat, the greatest video game character to come out of the...well the greatest video game character ever."

"Bubsy? No, never heard of him."

"Never heard of Bubsy? Who does this guy think he is?"

"Bonk smash!!!" The caveman leapt up into the air and landed with a boom on his head. Cracks crept out from underneath in a neat lattice work.

"My floor!" Sonic fell to his knees. "My precious, precious floor. It's all I have left and you come in here and smash it up."

"Bonk like smash. It feel like chocolate chip cookies."

Nobody had anything to say to that. In the background I heard a drone of noise as Bubsy continued to talk. I'd tell you what he said, but I can't seem to actually remember it. You'd almost think he hadn't been there at all if it weren't for the fact that I still have a ball of yarn. I'm pretty sure he gave it to me. I just don't remember why.

"...so anyway. Here's a ball of yarn to remember me by! Just remember guy, when you want the best--you want bubsyest."

"Er...yeah. I'll try and remember that." I shook my head. "So have any of you seen a preschool teacher by any chance?"

"She have short blond hair? Kind of perky jugs? Dreamy blue eyes that swallow your soul like Cool Spot drinks a can of 7 up?" Bubsy blinked at me and I backed up a few steps.

"Well, yeah, although I don't think I'd put it quite like that."

"Yeah, I saw her with Robotnik the other day. Man, I tell you if I wasn't a bobcat I'd tap me some of that action."

"The girl or Robotnik?"

"Does it matter?"

This time everyone backed up a few steps.

"I'm going to stab my brain out now." Sonic held out a long sharp needle. "Anyone want it when I'm done?"

"Oh! Oh! I do! I do!" I held up my hand and jumped up and down eagerly. "I love damaging my brain."

"Bonk no have brain! Bonk have SMASHER!"

"So, uh, Sonic. Before we stab out our brains, you know where Robotnik's at? Cause I really got to go rescue that teacher--"

"And tap that action?"

I ignored him. But for some reason the twitch in my eye just wouldn't go away.

"Sure. Robotniks at the gate room in the center of this land. I think he's trying to open up the doorway of doom and take over the entire world. Or something. I've been too depressed to think about it."

I chewed on my lip.

"So he's the one behind the door way of doom opening up? I should have smelled he rosy stench behind this. That's it. Sonic, you've got to stop mopping around. Eat this chili dog I've been storing in my back pocket and let's go stop Robotnik once and for all (until the inevitable sequel of course)."

"Jumping jupiter! You're right Ax23000! I've been looking at it all wrong. It's time to kick robot butt!"

And so we were off. A squad of four heroes, okay so we didn't actually want to take Bubsy with us--but that guy is really hard to get rid of. We were going to rescue the girl, stop the villian, and restore balance to the universe once and for...oh you get the idea.

Stay tuned next Friday for the thrilling conclusion to The Doorway of Doom.