I did not even bother to check when my lat blog was, but I'm sure it has been several months. In the past I usualy come by here and complain about my life....etc. Well really, not much has changed since my last post. However, this time I have decided that no matter how bad life may be, I will not complain about it. Unfortunately that means this is going to be a rather short blog. Maybe I'll come back and complain some other day. And believe me, when I do it will be a long one! I'm not even sure that anyone reads this garbage anyway. Nonethe less, I'll vent later. It has been a long time since I've even been here at Gamespot. So I'm going to go do my stuff here and I'll complain about my life another day.

Ok if anybody has read any of my past blogs here they will know all about the whole M.S. crapola. Anyway, it turns out that my wife has decided that she prefers not to stay married to a man with a disability. So now we are in the process of getting a divorce. fine, so be it. She's been pissing me off a lot lately anyway. I feel more comfortable living on my own now. There is a lot less stress in my life not having her breath down my neck all day.

Yea... I am pretty pissed about the whole thing but I'm turning my attention to better things. As far as my soon to be ex-wife goes, I say Up yours, you had a good thing and now you're loosing it. I am getting on with my life and starting to enjoy it more. So I guess this is working out for the best. I just wish she didn't have to be such a **** about the whole thing.

Ok my life has become one big soap opera. My wife had asked me to move out and now I am living in a townhouse by myself. Sure that happens to a lot of people. The thing is, I have M.S. and Crohn's disease. Both of which are dibilitating at times. The reason my wife asked me to move out is because she "doen't like what I am ALOWING the diseases to do to me" WTF? Yes it's true I have been in a crappy mood a lot lately. But when you try to get used to the fact your life will never be the same again because of these diseases, it takes some time to learn to adjust. Aparently it's taking much too long for my wife to deal with. I am doing my best to understand her side of all this. It doesn't mean I have to like it or anything like thyat. I am just trying to understand her point of view. However I don't believe she is granting me the same courtesy in return. She says she wants things to work out and be able to "save" the marriage but I don't see ant scinserity in what she is saying. We did start going to a marriage counselor last week and plan to continue with that. If (and thats a big if) we are able to work things out and save the marriage, it is going to take a very long time indeed. In my opinion I feel as though I have out lived my usefulness and have just become a burden that is no longer tolerable. One thing that has supported my theory (and I know at this time it's just a theory) is that not one single person, family or friend, has bothered to contact me to see how I am doing. They have flocked to my wifes doorstep to check on her but it seems I am of no consiquence.

It puzzels me as to why that is. Seriously, I am a nice guy. Really. Yes I am upset at my life's current condition with the M.S. and Crohn's, but for God's sake give me a chance to come to terms with it. It's been less than a year since the M.S. diagnosis and less than 6 months foe the Crohn's diagnosis. I am not going to just say "oh dang, my life is forever changed, oh well" It is going to take a lot of time for me to adjust, period! It seems that the rest of my family and my friend don't seem to get that. I am not always complaining about my life and how crappy I feel. I do have my good days too and do my best to make the most of them. So I am rather disapointed at the seeming abandonment of all the people that I know.

I don't want pitty, I would however apreciate a little sympathy and some understanding. Aparently that is just too much to ask for. Believe me though, I have watched my language here and I would have prefered to use a bit more "colorful" language, but then I figured, whats the point? Getting pissed off isn't going to solve anything. I should just do my best to keep plugging along and see where life takes me.

All right.. this posting is about something other than me complaining about my life for a change! I am in the midst of applying to DeVry University to take the Video game design and developemnt course. So far things are going well. My next step is to do their online enrollment tests... math, reading, writing. Obviously they need to know how smart I am (or am not) before I can oficialy be accepted. Then the whole financial aid thing could be a hastle but my admin says it should be pretty cut and dry. I should qualify for grants and low interst loans as I am disabled.

The whole reason I am trying my hand at going back to school is because my MS has gotten to the point I am no longer able to do my job anymore. And since I am a big time video game fanatic.. I thought it would only make sence for me to try and learn a new skill for a career in game design. Of course being 42 years old and having not been in school for... oh... well lets just say a few years ago. I am somewhat nervous about returning to the academic world. But hey.. what the heck? I'm not getting any younger and MS has a tendancy to get worse not better. So I think this will ultimately be the right choice.

If all goes well as far as the testing, financing and so forth, I could be starting as soon as July 9th. So if anybody is interested... I'll keep you all posted as to what happens next. And if there isn't anybody who is interested... I'll still post it anyway cause it keeps me entertained.

I am in such a bad mood lately. I really don't mean to be a whiner but all these illnesses that I have are starting to get me down. I suppose I shouldn't say "all" these illnesses but just "both" these illnesses. I know I've complained about the Multiple Sclerosis here before, but a month ago I was also diagnosed with Crohn's disease. So yippie I get to deal with two incurable diseases. Both are able to be "managed" with meds and whatnot, but the chance of me having a "normal" life is slim to none. Again let me appologize for being so negative about all this. Ineed a chance to complain and vent some of this anger and sadness. I guess what really pisses me of the most about all this is I will never be able to lead the kind of life I used to. I was actualy very active and a hard worker. Now I spend most of my time either on my computer writing blogs about how awful things are or playing my video games, and lets not forget the TV... plenty of that too.

On the other side of that coin there have been a few good things that have happened to me lately. I got hand controls installed on my car so I can drive again. It's been since september of '06 that I was able to drive. I am also one step closer to getting a mobility scooter. That all depends on the insurance company tho. The people that I have talked to there say things look good as far as them aproving the deal, it's just a matter of having to wait while they do the red tape process. And as we all know red tape really slows everything down, but.. whatever.. as long as it happens someday.

Oh boy do I hate satilite internet. We have the Hughesnet Satilite internet and at first I was happy. We had the awful dial-up internet before. Since we live in rural Wisconsin amongst the corn and the cows, the phone lines are from a longago era. They are fine for the typical phone, just not too good for internet. I think the best we had ever connected was 24,000 bps. With no hope for any upgrades in the phone lines for years to come (I compained at the local phone company and they said there just aren't enough people where I live to make it worth thier trouble to do anything about it) our only other option was satilite. We are also 1 mile out of reach of cable. 1 freakin mile! The cable company also gave me the same explination when asked about getting cable to my house. From where the cable ends to my house there is only 4 houses. Spaced on an average of 1/4 mile apart. (two are a bit closer but who cares). With that at a disadvantage, we said fine so be it. Satilite was glorious for all of about 1 hour. Then I realized one of two major flaws with it. All the technology in the world that humans have come up with and we can't get a signal to penitrate a cloud. As soon as we get a heavy cloud coverage, I'm screwed. The other disadvantage to satilite is no online gaming. There is a 2 second delay with the signal and gaming is just not possible with that huge of an offset. Someday I'll have my cable but it will be at a cost of housing developments popping up all around us.

Don't let the name of the topic fool you. I am anything but neat and tidy. I know I need to be more organized but I just can't seem to get myself to do it. My desk in my house is the typical "pile of crap about to tip over" desk. The same aplies to my desk in my sign shop. (if not more so) I hate the clutter. So why is it always there? I have the space to put things away and the ability to keep things clean, I just don't do it. If every day life was as easy as keeping my computer itself neat and tidy. My computer IS organized and always up to date with the needed maintinence. I have windows live one care... that keeps it running quite nicely. Also I don't just throw file willy-nilly. I have folders names and places in apropriate areas. My "my pictures" folder is full of sub-folders named for what is in them. Also the "my games" folder has the same treatment for sub-folders named for what game they represent. So if I need the manual for a certian game or need to reinstall a mod (or what-have-you) I know EXACLY where to find it. Why can't I apply this type of thing to my every day life? Won't somebody make a life defragmenting program? Have an option in life to be able to make a "new folder". I know why my computer is well kept up... cause its easy for me to sit on my ass... thats why. Now to defend my last statememnt. I do have MS and it does keep me from being as active as I'd like to be. I spend a lot of time in pain and with not a lot of mobility in my body. So sitting on my ass is pretty much what I do. Never the less I would like to get my life in order.

I have so many thing already to help me stay organized but I just don't use them like I should. Each of my portable game systems (PSP & DS) have thier nylon cases where I (should) keep the games, cords..etc, but no, everything is scattered throughout. I have a palm pilot & a day planner to keep track of my appointments and other important things in my life. They both sit and collect dust. If I was to implement all the things I currently own to keep organized I would be all set. It's not like its hard to do. I don't want to become one of those anal-retentive types either. Just better organized will do. I am not one of those people who has a filty house tho. That is kept clean. By my wife, daughter and myself. Yes I will help keep the house clean, just not my little corner of it where my desk is. I don'y know... maybe I'm just being too picky or obsesive about personal organization. 

I could say that I have too many games on my computer... I could say that but I wont. As far as I'm concerned, you can't have too many games. Just not enough hard drive space. I have a 60gb hard drive on my gaming laptop. That filled up way faster than I expected. So I went out and got an external hard drive. A Seagate 300gb. Now that 300gb might sound like a lot, but its running out of room too. Sure there is still about 130gb of space left, but I'm affraid that wont last long. I really don't want to get rid of any games either. I still play pretty much all of them. Some just not so often. I even still play games like PsycoToxic. Sure its a lame game but I get my kicks from it once in a blue moon. Believe it or not.. having those games on the external drive really doesn't hurt the performance of the game. I made sure to get one that has a high transfer rate so I don't get any lag while playing. About the only game that gets any lag..(very little) is F.E.A.R. There are certian games that will stay on my laptop hard drive, like all of the games that depend on Steam to play. Thats another thing in itself. I'm not a huge fan of Steam. I like the games, just not the fact you MUST be connected to steam in order to play them even if you just go with single player. Thats just stupid. (back to the subject) Some of the time what I will do is when I get a new game, I will install it on the laptop hard drive then when I've finished it (the first time) I will transfer it to the external drive. Freeing up space for the next game I buy. I can't just stop buying games. Hell no. One of these days I will have to get a new laptop... but not yet. This one still runs damn fine.

Ok I know I'm just getting a little to carried away with this whole "I have MS" crap. I've been on my computer more and more lately and withdrawing from my family (especialy Carmen, my wife) because I just feel so damn worthless so I want to get away from reality for a while and play my games. And that sucks too cause I'm getting worse at them instead of better. The MS is taking it's toll on my hand eye coordination. Even with playing the games on easy and using some assists or even cheats sometimes, I still manage to suck. Well I start ocupational therapy on friday so I hope that will kick start an inprovement. I just feel really stupid mopping around the house all day either watching TV or sitting at my computer playing games or being online. Don't get me wrong I enjoy those things just not to the point at where I'm doing it ALL DAY. I would honestly rather be out in the shop working, but I get too tired too fast. Then I hurt all over and feel like crap for two days. MS sucks big hairy monkey balls.

I am interested in what others are using as their gaming computers. I have a Dell XPS M170 and I love the thing. I've heard other people bad mouth Dell. But I think what is happening there is those people aren't getting a "gaming" set-up, and expecting to run as if it was. It would be something like going to a car dealer... paying for a Yugo and expecting a Cadilac. I know there are cheaper ways of getting the same performance as a Dell XPS but for us who don't want to build our own and prefer the security of the warantee and online help then Dell is our best option. I know I sound like a comercial and I don't intend to but I have heard a lot of crap from some people complaining about their computers. They **** because "it wont do this or it wont play that game". Come to find out the bought the lowest form of Dell computer they make and expect it to run games like F.E.A.R. When I finally figure this out all I want to do is beat them over the head with their stupid tower. If you want a gaming computer then PAY for a gaming computer. If you refuse to pay that kind of money just to game.. then shut up and quit trying to play games that you can't run on your computer.