Guideline 1.04: Ball/strike calls may be made anywhere up to five minutes after a pitch is thrown. The acceptable amount of time before a call must be made increases as the count does. With a count of three balls it is appropriate to wait for any attempt by a batter to walk to first base after a pitch is thrown before making a strike call. Try really hard to catch them in the middle of a bat flip and make sure your call is extra enthusiastic. Bonus points if you catch them more than two steps down the line.

Guideline 1.11: Make ball/strike calls as loud as possible. Make strikeout calls even louder. If someone doesn't think you've had a heart attack, YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG.

Guideline 1.89: A balk may be called at any time, for any reason. Actual balks may be ignored. Feel free to call a balk after a fly ball has been hit or once an entire team has headed back into the dugout. Don't know what a balk is? That's okay, call one anyway.

Guideline 2.09: Strike zones are mobile. Different things can move the strike zone, the wind, batters swinging too hard, maybe a careless grounds crew member cleaning up the infield between innings. Whatever. It's not your fault if something isn't a strike the second time around.

Guideline 2.30: Older pitchers have a larger strike zone because older pitchers have a harder time seeing the strike zone as they age because their vision is leaving them.

Guideline 4.27: Damn, that Earl Weaver dude is nuts man.

Guideline 4.89: Back as far away from a play as possible before you make it. Try to make sure as many people as possible are blocking your line of sight. Insist you got the best view possible afterwards.

Guideline 6.53: God damn it, you're the ****ing Umpire, you're right dammit. Who the **** do they think they are, questioning your judgement about anything? What the **** is this ****? Huh? Who the **** are they?! It's this **** that makes me think we should just nuke the whole planet man, these people are never gonna get it. Just blow it all up, man, sometimes I wish they'd really learn. That'll teach 'em. Who thinks they can question you like that, huh? You're the ****ing Umpire for ****'s sakes! They've gotta learn a ****ing lesson if they're not going to play ball your way.