Arguing on the internet is an increasingly popular hobby of the budding computer user, and as such it is important that we take the necessary steps to train ourselves and keep abreast of the competition, lest we be left behind like the rest of our fallen comrades, cast out of the world of amateur debating and into the abyss of every day discussions and you-laugh, you-lose threads.
Rule No. 1
Do not talk about internet debating.
This one's a doozy. If you let slip in the real world that you enjoy online arguements, you may find yourself referred to as that guy from now on. Whenever you're missing from a social event or call in sick for work or school, it will be assumed that you are instead at home, soda by your side, arguing about the pros and cons of organized religion via the interlocking tubes of the internet. You'll be that guy until you eventually manage to garner a new group of friends.
Rule No. 2
Do NOT talk about internet debating.
I could easily have included this information with the above Rule No. 1, but to do so would be to fail to comply with one of the world's longer lasting memes and to disappoint you, myself and my peers. So, in terms of rule number two, you should also consider that letting slip your love for electronic disagreements may also prove a major folly even when done so in the online world. In doing so you go from just another user to a user who has voiced not only his frequency but his LOVE for arguing. All future posts of your creation will be viewed in this light; as coming from a person who just cant get enough of arguing. Why, they're probably trying to start an argument with you right now. FLAME THEM!
Rule No. 3
No topic is off limits.
The internet is a place where you can weigh in on topics you don't know a damned thing about. You've got a post count to build up, after all, and respectfully bowing out of discussions in which you really don't have much to offer thanks to a limited or completely vacuous knowledge on the subject at hand is no way to hit 20k before year's end, is it?
So who cares if you're a part-time sales advisor at your local GAP store - you're every bit as knowledgeable on the effects of extended drug use on the internal organs as a certified brain surgeon! Never been to a church in your life? Who cares! You've got an opinion on religion and with the right amount of preliminary Googling you're going to share it with the world!
Rule No. 4
Straw man is mightier than the pen. And the sword. And everything else.
The straw man is a device you need to become acquainted with. If you want that 'best debater' nomination at next year's OTcars/System Wars Awards (which kinda needs a catchier name, come to think of it...) you'll need to be straw-manning your way through every topic.
Does a person think the Xbox 360 could benefit from more exclusives? Pah, they would say that - they're a communist! And we all know how communism turned out! What do they think about gun control? Doesn't matter, because you've got a sweet link about a guy shooting someone successfully with a gun and that proves them wrong even if they did/didn't say anything on the matter.
Rule No. 5
Philosophy and video game forums go hand in hand.
When things aren't going your way, thrust the argument out of the simple, humble, logical confines in which it currently exists into the stratosphere and start talking in vast, philosophical terms. These will take quite some time to discuss, and can never really be completely refuted, after which most people will have forgotten what you were talking about in the first place, and hopefully the thread will be locked without any conclusion. And you were JUST about to take them down and conclusively prove them wrong. Darned mods!
"Indeed, but if we consider the first ammendment as Aristotle considered the simple atom, then surely this bill aims not only to destroy the very fabrics of freedom, but the basic moral tissues which hold together our collective subconsciousness?"
And they thought you were talking about health reform. Pah.
Rule No. 6
Response is key. Response is key. Response is key.
Sometimes in a debate you can say something silly, and darn it, they had to go and quote you before you had a chance to delete it. Never mind, because there's a way out of it, and if you think simply conceding that you were incorrect is the way to go about it, you clearly need this guide more than anybody.
You see, any error of fact or logic can be combated with the simple act of responding. Respond, respond, respond. It doesn't matter if what your opposition has said is borderline irrefutable, so long as you present SOME assemblence of a reply, the argument chugs along without defeat. Change the topic. Ignore their points and focus on one you feel best equipped to handle. Whatever it takes, just hit that submit button until they get tired and go to bed. Then you win!
Rule No. 7
You get it.
"What's that? You're saying that you think slapping children in the face at random is a good thing? Ok, i get it."
Getting it is a great way to confuse and dumbfound the other party, especially in the face of a lengthy and well thought out post. Struggling to answer their logical and comprehensive positions? That's ok. Instead, reply with a tiny post which seems more or less impossibly small enough to fully refute their fleshed out thesis on global warming with a short, snappy summary of what you believe their argument to be all about. Pivotal to this technique, you must be sure to conclude that you 'get it'. You totally understand what they're saying.
So confused as to how you could possibly think they were advocating the cross-breeding of puppies with alligators, they will typically reply with a frantic and confuddled post, allowing you to comment on their lack of organization and advise them to get it together if they wish to enter into debates with you in the future.
Rule No. 8
Get to know your smileys. Has a person said something a little silly? Are you not impressed with their efforts? Ignore them. Has a person said something pretty intelligent and reasonable? Well, their supposedly intellectual musings fall well short of your lofty standards, and you can make sure they're aware of it with a smiley or two.
'You think that policy can solve our economic problems? :|"
Ouch, that smarts. It's ok though, because they need to know. How about nice users, who roam the boards with a care-free attitude, oozing with politeness and positive comments. A smiley or two can put them straight back down to earth.
"You would know that this is a ridiculous proposition if only you had read my links. ;)"
That wink burns straight through their eyes and pierces the inner depths of the soul.
Rule No. 9
Got links?
Demand links for things which no reasonable person would ever need a link to confirm. Is the sun hot? I'm going to need two links to prove that and no, i won't accept wikipedia. What's that? THIS scientist? Pah, i read his paper a few months back and it was riddled with inaccuracies. I reject your point, seeing as you cannot come up with any accurate authority with which to back it.
What about if they *have* got links? Don't worry, you've read this guide so you're well prepared to deal with such an eventuality. First come up with some means of dismissing their link as biased or untrustworthy. Is it from a newspaper? Cool, that paper has a liberal bias. Score one for you. Is it criticising the president? Of course, the writer is a known Obama-hater!
What if it seems reasonably legit? Well, that's where things get tricky. Here you need to really stick to your guns, even in the face of ridicule, and explain to your combatant that the number of links they have provided is exactly one short of the number you would need to be convinced that what they are claiming is the truth. Should they provide one more, see the step above, and if that doesn't pan out simply demand further proof, putting some new, irrational spin on the exact type you require. Was the last link a decisive article? Ok, now you need proof in image form. Unless you can see a sign on a freeway specifically telling you that the earth is not flat, you aint buyin' it.
Rule No. 10
Know when to quit. Simply disappear in the middle of a debate if things aren't going your way. Maybe you can bump the thread a few hours later when your fellow debaters have left for work, or dinner, declaring yourself the victor while they get on with their lives unaware of their defeat.
Make one, final post on the matter declaring yourself the winner before asserting that you will never return to the thread again. You therefore win by default, as you cannot be challenged further if you are not present to be challenged. You just said after all, that you win and you're leaving. So you win! They can't play ball if you take it home!
Finally, know your limits. Enter into no more than two arguments at a time, and be sure to take some time out between debating sessions to post in threads about cats and the new Mario game to avoid a reputation as a serial debater. You don't want to be that guy.
I hope this guide has been of use to you, and that you can take it on board in your skirmishes on the great battlefield of the internet. Feel free to request a leather-bound copy in print, which will be on sale in Barnes and Noble for $299.99 this Christmas.