Hey Microsoft,

How's it hanging? We've had a tough relationship this generation, you and I. I bought one of your garish white boxes at launch, and it only went and broke down on me. Having owned dozens of consoles since the SNES, it was the first of my collection to ever do so. And then it did it again. And then again a third time. But i digress, we're not here to talk about that.

Can i bring up my xbox live account getting hacked? And then hacked again? You said i must have given my information out to a phishing site. Good thing we all know now that your customer service reps got duped into giving that information out, but hey, thanks for blatantly lying about it. Dammit, i digress again. I need to get back on topic. No, to start the topic.

Well, the topic is DLC Microsoft. Specifically timed DLC or as i like to think of it, literally the dumbest, most pointless, most logically and economically vacuous feature of the gaming industry to exist since... hell, i dunno... the powerglove? Let's outline your strategy, first:

1) Presumably spend a sizable amount of money to secure a contract with a developer
2) This contract, in exchange for your money, gets you nothing
3) Repeat, you gain nothing
4) What they will do however, is release the thing they were already going to release anyway
5) Only... they will wait a month or two before the release it on your rival platform

GENIUS!

That's right, to re-iterate, you spend large amounts of cash to get nothing. And you wonder why Apple is the most valuable company in the world? When Tomb Raider was demo'd at this year's Microsoft E3 press briefing, i was fairly impressed. It was a decent looking game and a bold new direction for an enduring franchise. And then right at the end you stepped up to the plate and announced the megaton; it'd be exclusive to the Xbox 360! Nah. It'd get exclusive DLC! Nope. It'll get DLC as normal, but if you dont have an xbox, you have to wait to get it!

.....yay? What reaction do you expect from me, Microsoft? "So... i get the DLC as usual, but my friend who has a PS3 has to wait a month or so?" What benefit does that bestow on me? What is it that you think you are offering me? Anyone over the age of ten years old isn't going to seriously brag to a friend that they get to play a downloadable mission right now, whereas you - stinky pants - must wait a few weeks. What sadists do you think take pleasure in that? What do you *think* of your product audience, exactly?

A system that's been short of compelling exclusives for a while now, and this is what you spend your money on? Essentially screwing with the competition? But not even the competition, the innocent, did nuffin' to hurt nobody gamers who happened to buy a console not made by you? And your market strategy is essentially to troll them?

I genuinely cannot think of a dumber and more frivolous waste of your own budget than timed-DLC agreements. Far from the reaction you're looking for, every time you tell me Call of Duty map packs are going to be withheld from PS3 owners for a few months, you don't come off as the grand overlords of gaming, you come off as... well, kinda like a bunch of dicks. Take that PS3 owners!



Yours Sincerely,


Ninja-Hippo, Halo fan, wishes-it-was-published-by-a-different-company enthusiast