For nearly six years now I've been in a fight for my life against a silent aggressor named cancer. Since March 2004 I've gone through various chemotherapies, a bone marrow transplant, even a nice summer reprieve where I was allowed to think that all was well. But like the steady march of a condemned man the beat goes on and on.

Through it all I have kept my head held high, my expectations in sight, and my heart full of love and as much happiness as I can put forth. But man its getting hard.

Since September of 2006 I've been in what most would call an unemployable state - weakened and battered, getting paid from the government for what they call disability and I call another bump in the road. It hadn't been too bad, I had my kids to keep me company in the summer, my gaming hobby to see me through the school year, I had been willing to accept my lot in life for however long I was deemed worthy to keep on going - my "long walk" as I've come to call it.

Things took a small turn over the summer though, the eating blackness had returned - though not incredibly significantly - and I had to go back onto a more rigid form of treatment. Not that the doctors hold out any hope for a cure at this point, no this treatment was mainly for a prolonging effect - beat at it till it retreats a while or just slows down. I get this image of a man beating an elephant with a stick here - it may not kill the beast, but it might confuse it enough that it goes away for a while. So for the past few months I've been on these 14 days On, 14 days Off cycles of a couple of chemotherapies - and the toll collector has been showing his retched face more and more often, his tobacco blackened teeth always welcoming me with a sneer of greeting.

See its not really the cancer that has been messing with me, making me weak and tired, its the damn treatment that has been putting me in this quiet cell. The poison that riles through my body, eating away healthy cells as it attacks the cancer, causing my limbs to hang nearly uselessly in a dull pain that is hard to describe in any proper fashion. Nearly all my extremities feel as though I've just run a marathon for days, a marathon that I had not prepared for in any way - no warm ups, no pre-dawn jogs, - an endurance run that I just woke up one day and started. My knees and ankles feel like jelly left out in the hot sun to congeal, while my arms and hands have become stiff like an elderly person's riddled with arthritis. Hell man my hands look OLD. Its just wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

And truth be told my mood has been growing black as well. My interests and hobbies don't fulfill me as much as they once did, where once an afternoon with a good game or book was enough to get me by, now more times than not I sit and just look on at the objects of my desire with a cool detachment. The want is still there, but the motivation is lacking. The actual act of moving myself to just Do has become harder and harder, some days have gone by with me just endlessly debating on what I should do - and these debates sometimes go on without resolution. Its days like these where my "long walk" seems to have transformed itself into a mindless shuffle, I'm a zombie on a path to no where.

I have had my questioning days. The days I call out to anyone or anything that may be listening and just ask why. Is all this a payment for some offense I've been to naive to realize I've committed? Is this a test of some sort of merit? An exam in the final months of school to see if I've got what it takes? Am I Maverick or Goose? And is it really true that the runners up are posted in the ladies room? I really don't think there is an answer, and its trivial to even start to question. In the end - The End is really all there is. God or no, Heaven or chaos, Everything or Nothingness - once you get there, there you are. Getting into all that before you reach the destination is like wondering how many sea-shells you are going to find before you even get to the beach - start foundering on the trivial and you'll miss the journey.

I guess that brings me to the here and now. For too long I've been getting to introspective - sweating the small stuff you could say. For all my efforts to live my life as I wanted, I've locked myself away in this lost lonely world, really ignoring what is out there and that I am still alive and still fighting and still just breathing. Sure I can tune out everything around me and just keep to my selfish self, or I can use my resources and expand what I know as "my living room". Sure I can go too many places in my condition, but with a computer and a little effort I can see the world - experience new places and people. Use my interests and hobbies as tools to connect rather than weapons to isolate. So here I am using my time to make a challenge to myself. Get out there and try to live a life - join a social network to meet new people, find a recipe to enjoy a new food, get in on a game to communicate with others.

I can't say that I'll be 100% out there. I've been isolated way too long to just break out of the mold like Kool Aid Man, but I think if I just try I may be surprised by the results.

See, I have this problem. Well I actually have a LOT of problems, but we're going to stick with just this one. For now.

I have two very lovely children. One 11, the other nearly 5. And since birth, I've been grooming these two semi-clones to take over my family business: Video Games. Now in retrospect, this has opened me up to my most evil moments. My ascent to Sith Lord, if you will.

My eldest, the Daughter, has taken to games like Peanut Butter to bread. She blows by me in Super Mario Galaxy, and she can play songs in Guitar Hero that make my eyes water just watching. I feel proud to have passed this hobby down the line, ensuring that YES there will be another generation of wide eyed gamers. You know, cause I was worried about that. I can exclaim to the Heavens and beyond, that my child is a GAMER!

For christmas this last year, I finally broke down and bought her some 360 titles for her own. And to make things even more special, I even gave her what she most wanted since December of 06, a profile on my 360 that was hers and hers alone. God was I just the best Father in the universe or what?

Now here comes the evil stench of Me. The capitalized version of myself, my id, my demon.

My Daughter also has another passion, one that she may have caught from me, but one that I never really "tried" to instill in her. Man this kid LOVES cartoons. Simpsons, Scooby-Doo, even Batman. This child just can't get enough animated action. And there is one cartoon that rises above all others and rules the roost like a rabid chicken.

Avatar. Avatar: The Last Airbender.

Yes, a few of you may see where this is headed, and I could end it here and let the rest figure it out. But I MUST continue on. The tale has to be told, others need to be warned. Before the plaugue hits and humanity is at its end. Yes I do realize that I am making myself out to be some sort of "Savior of the World." But if the robes fit, right?

For months now my Daughter has been begging me to get her this latest Avatar game for the 360. Its her favorite show after all, and its on the freakin 360! Why WOULDN'T I get it for her? Well for a couple of reasons. 1: Its a 60$ game based on a cartoon! That ain't gonna fly. 2: Its a cartoon game for $60! But really --- 3: It is notorious amongst serious gamers as one of the most evil of all 360 games - because of the downright giving away of its 1000 point gamerscore. No true, self respecting gamer would let that title loose in his or her home.

I resisted. I fought. I argued. There was NO WAY Avatar was going to wind up anywhere nearer to me than the local Best Buy. I was adamant. I was tough. I was Father. Lay down the law, and let no one, save Sylvester Stallone, tell you otherwise. Because, you know, Sly IS the law. He said so.

But deep, deep down, I was failing. The urge to "catch up" to a close friend of mine. A friend who took advantage of my month and a half long hospital stay last year to get 3000 points ahead of me. A guy who sleeps on my couch from time to time. I didn't want to catch up to him per se, I wanted to blow him out of the water like Roy Schneider does to the shark in Jaws 2. I wanted him to see my gamerscore and fall down in as a liquidy pile of Skestra-goo. Tee hee hee.

Then yesterday we were out, just out about town. And we came across a Blockbuster rental store. And the Daughter saw the game. And she asked. She pleaded. She gave me those "puppy dog eyes" that every parent knows are irresistable. Damn it all, thes my DAUGHTER! How am I supposed to refuse a simple $5 five day gift?

I told myself. Simple, just let her play it. Let her use her own profile. No one has to know of this indescretion. She's not even online! I convinced myself. I let it all play out. We rented the game, and we brought it home. I even smiled to myself. She is going to be able to play her game and no one will be the wiser.

We sat back and let the game commence. 30 seconds and 1000 points later. My Me awoke. A pit of dark red fire lifted its head within me, and grinned.

Before I knew what was happening, because you see I was no longer in control of who I was, the controller was snatched from the hands of a 10 year old child, and profiles were changed, and a Nickelodeon logo was rising. I shook, my hands sweating from anticipation. My limbs trying to listen to my brain, were acting of their own accord.

5 seconds.... the start screen fades

6 seconds.... no i would not like to save

10 seconds... 150 points in my bag

15 seconds... cut scene over

20 seconds... 400 points.... glee

25 seconds.... 200 more points.... almost there

30..... 1000 points total..... god is good... god is meeeeeee......

I collapsed unto myself, falling to the floor. I think I cried.

This was not how it was supposed to be, I was supposed to save the world, not become another victim of its relentless march towards billions upon billions of gamerscore points. What would I tell my friends, my family? What would become of the trust that has allowed me to gain such a fanatical following? How could I ever face myself again? What have I become?

In that moment I made a choice. There wasn't anything else I could do. I had to pick myself up, take a deep breath and remember who I was.

So I left and killed some younglings.

In closing, I would like to take this opportunity to tell all of you, friends and strangers alike, go out and rent or buy yourself a copy of Avatar: The Last Airbender: The Burning Earth.

And burn it. Destroy it. Do not succumb to the powers that have completely corrupted me.

Now excuse me. I have a copy of Disney's Cars that is just dying to be played.....

My 360 came back today. After two weeks to the repair center.

Unfortunately I had one of those "unrepairable" systems and had to get a replacement system - A refurb. And the Re-furb's manufacturers date is actually a week BEFORE my original system's. Nice.

I haven't been able to test out my new model though, seeing as its Minnesota here and about 5 degrees above zero, my 360 is almost completely frozen. I figured I'd best let it warm up a bit before I plugged it in anywhere.

So yes, now I am back, and ready to play some GH3 or Rock Band online (not to mention the 4 or 5 other titles I haven't played yet because the darn thing broke down in the first place. So if ya see me online, and you want to play, just send me an invite.

Well it was bound to happen. Fate was working against me. And sure enough... it did.

No, I didn't get sicker. In fact, since I last reported, I've actually improved. Really.

This time I'm actually taking time out of my day to actually blog about videogames. Imagine that, on a games website. Hmph.

I went out yesterday, seeking the ultimate xmas present for myself, and I suppose you could say my family as well. After over splurging a little "compensation" money from a major retailer (the whole story involves cords, trash cans and broken bones... I'm sure you can all put that together), I decided that we weren't quite done yet. New living room furniture is nice and all, but its not quite "complete"...

So I hit a different major retailer, one that speciallizes in electronics, and decided that it was time to splurge on a nice HDTV that actually works. I've had a 42" HDTV set for about five years now, but due to a crack on the TV's mother board, the HDTV portion of the set never worked. Which is probably how I managed to buy it for $200. And after looking around for a couple hours, comparing, testing and all the other crap you should dowhen you purchase these things, I finally settled on a beautiful Panasonic 56" LiFi (basically the next gen of DLP projections). Its awesome, it works grandly and its like having a movie theater screen in the living room. Like I've said... Beautiful.

And now the crap fest.

After unpacking my HD cables for the 360 and hooking it up.... BOOM. Red Ring of Death. I barely even touched the system, just plugged the new cords in. Turn it on, and whammo. Now for a moment I felt a twang of hope. I knew that if the cords weren't properly installed, the red circle appears. And even though I knew that the bad cords was a full ring of red, and the dreaded system death was the three that were appearing, I prayed that I had it opposite. So tightening cords, a small shuffle of the machine and..... RRoD. Still. A brief whir of the DVD drive, then Red Silence of GOD DA%N MICROSOFT!!!!!. I let it sit for an hour, but still the Red, I let it breathe overnight... no change.

I don't have one of the dreaded launch systems, but I do have one from a month later. Hopefully and thankfully it should be covered under MS new "extended warranty", but its still horrid to have to send it in, and miss it for a month or longer. Hell I just got GH3, Rock Band, Assassin's Creed and Scene It. And I STILL have over half the game of COD4 to get through, not to mention a couple of other games to work through. And that doesn't take into account the five or six other games coming out in the next month or so that I'm interested in.

I'm not too upset though. I did finally get a PS3 last month, and have got a couple games there that I've borrowed from friends. And I can't be that mad, especially since the vast majority of my friends have had this happen as well. Oh well, and here I thought I was the lucky one.

So I guess that means that I won't be showing up on Live anytime in the near future. Hopefully I won't get TOO addicted to the PS3, and start viewing my precious 360 as a third stringer. Nah. That couldn't happen.

---

For anyone that cares... My PS3 gamertag is the same as the 360 one: Crimsonpug - go ahead and send me a friends invite if you wish. Later!

Here I was all set to not get Bioshock...... And then I see it on the shelves and I just couldn't resist.

I'm playing the game on EASY to combat all the crap I talked about before. So far I've gotten about ten minutes past the end of the demo. Now I've just got to split my time between The Darkness and Bioshock.... good thing I'm not working.

By the by - I start a new treatment tomorrow. Its not chemotherapy, its like a antibiotic thats supposed to fight cancer cells. Here's hoping for zero side effects!

Like every other 360 user I downloaded the Bioshock demo this week. My initial reaction to it was pure amazement. Those are some of the best water effects I have ever seen. And as I got farther in Rapture my amazement grew. "Could this game possibly look BETTER than Gears of War?" (yes).

I leaned over and told my wife, forgetting our extremely limited funds for the moment" - I said to her "I am buying this game next week!" I was sold on the game. No going back.

Then I played through the rest of the demo and got my a$$ handed to me every inch I walked. And then that moment when you get locked down with those sketers - I felt physically abused. And it drained me of all ammo and life packs and energy packs. And then I saw the video of what was coming during the game and I just knew that Bioshcock was not the game for me.

I like FPS games, but they aren't on the top of my list. As a result I can play most of the genre, but when they start throwing complicated button presses and physics galore I just can't be fast enough (or actually aim well enough - I suck at aiming anything). The video showed complicated methods of switching out your energy powers and guns that I know would just through me through a loop and cause me to just quit the game altogether.

So when one of the most anticipated FPS's of the season is out next week. you most likely won't be seeing me playing it. Which is too bad since it does look so beautiful. Just another argument that graphics aren't everything.

They poked me, they injected me. They used instruments of various quality to slice me open to remove foreign matter.

I waas injected with the bone-marrow of a complete stranger. Went through litteral years of hell, and all I'm left with is: "We're Sorry,"

As much as it pains me to say, I haven't left anyone in the dark before, so I'm not going to stop here. "The treatments to cure me of my Hodgkins have come to an end."

Regardless of how much I went through, from the chemo sickness, the loss of my hair, the vomiting, the aches and pains, the cancer was always just a bit stronger. It had more resolve that I did. That's just the plain simple truth of it. I caught the disease too late, I just accepted my weight loss as a good thing, I was feeling better, so ignoring some of the smaller symptoms like loss of appetite, night sweats, and the occasional itch that wouldn't go away, If I had made it into the doctors earlier, would I still be in this same situation? Who's to know?

Yet I'm not willing to dwell on it. I've got the rest of my life to live before I have to follow that train into the abyss.

And speaking of "The End" - At this point none of us have any information. This disease has always seemed like a slow creeper. Who knows how long I had this before it was diagnosed, Right now the "team" of Doctors are in the wait and see mode, See how fast it spreads and go from there. I have the option to take more Chemo, not for treatment sake, more as a "slow the disease down". But that's down the road some. I want to still be here when my daughter graduates Elementary School next year. But that's all up to faith and resolve now. Hope And Prayers.

My Doctors both tell me to keep miracles in mind, because as rare as they are, these doctors have seen some surprising come backs.

I just wanted to take a minute of everyone's time and say: Thank you. Thank you all for the notes and prayers, and everything else you've done for my family.

And don't worry, I'll still try and keep everyone informed with what is going on.

Well it has certainly been awhile since I've given everyone of my friends here a heads up of what is going on in my life. And since I've had nothing but free time since leaving the hospital five months ago, there really aren't any excuses.

 I recently passed the milestone event of Day 100 post transplant. Commemorating the event were a couple of scans and a bone marrow biopsy to check the progress of my disease and to see if the Transplant had actually done me any good. I guess the bad news right out of the gate is that there is still areas of worry on my scans. Still a few miniscule amounts of "something" that shows up during a PET scan. It isn't a rampant breakout of disease, in fact the areas were so small that they had to view the results on a larger screen just to see them. But there is something still there. Hiding out in my body, waiting for its moment to strike.

The Doctor took me off some of my medication, hoping that it would allow the transplanted marrow a bit more leg room to attack the disease, but even he wasn't too sure on the chances of that being 100% successful. It seems that each day that passes, I get a little less confident of my chances of beating this thing. I'm a tough guy, but I might have met my match with this bastard.

Being at home, not really leaving except for the occasional trip to the doctors or Target, I've felt myself sinking deeper and deeper into this rut of self despair and boredom. Even playing videogames have lost their luster for me. Now when I turn on my 360 or my recently aquired Wii I feel almost immediately that I should just turn it off, stop wasting time. I suppose it doesn't help that my 360 has been acting up lately, even giving me the dreaded 3 rings of light the other day. Yet I can't even gather the energy to call Microsoft for a repair, its almost as if I'm telling myself "why bother".

And with Halo 3 Beta coming next week, I'm finding it hard to build up the anticipation that I had for Halo 2.

Still there is some "good" on the horizon. I'm actually looking into going back to work, part time at first of course but then gradually building. I think it'll do me some good to actually get out of the house and into a more normal routine. Of course I don't know if I'm ready for it, but it has to come sooner or later, these people have held my job for 8 months now, and its got to be hard on them to do all this for me.

Sorry I've missed the last couple Halo nights. I wanted to join, but its not been easy for me to stay up so late anymore. They say it takes up to a year for a full recovery after a BMT, and while I do actually feel a bit better day by day, I can still tell that I'm nowhere near full strength yet. It'll come though, and with it my will to fight. I haven't given up yet, but there are days.

There are days.

Well here I am, still going absolutely nuts inside my cramped private hospital suite.  It has been a tough month though. The week of Chemo and radiation in prep for the transplant was alright, nothing too far from usual as far as those things go. The transplant itself was about as anti-climatic as possible. Just a half-hour of watching the stem cells drip from an IV and into my body. Finally *POOF*, all done.

Its been  the time since that has been rough. I can't begin to tell you how many sleepless nights have followed (only that they've far outnumberred the nights I've been able to sleep). A side effect of one of the anti-rejection drugs has been moderate to severe tremors in the arms and legs.  The only thing that seems to stop the tremors is a dose of benadryl, which leaves me feeling drowsy. Then  there is the just complete feeling of being worn out, something that has improved in the last month, but hasn't gotten too much better. I AM still here though, so I guess that counts for something, right?

Still no idea of when I get to go home. I stoppped eating  a few weeks back, so they;ve got me on IV nutrition, and I keep trying to eat, but when you feel as worn out and just plain terrible like I do, it gets hard. Things are improving though. My blood counts are on the rise, and I am able to complete my physical therapy most days.  I ihave a bone marrow biopsy scheduled for tomorrow, and I'm not looking forward to that one. I've had them before, but never while feeeling soo crappy.

Sorrry to ramble off there, I just wanted to check in and let everyone know that I'm still in the hospital, and even though I'm going crazy here, I'm still fighting the good fight.

Thanks for keeping me in your thoughts and prayers. I do appreciate it all.

Till the next time I feel up enough to check in - Tony

Well here I am, less than half a week into my monthlong (or more) stay at the ole hospital. And boredom has set in. As in the moment I got here. Geesh.

Thursday was pretty uneventful. The only proceedure I had was having an internal IV line placed (a second one, since I already had a similar line). Then it was just pretty much a day spent in the room, watching television.

Yesterday had the first of my weeklong doses of chemotherapy. Two seperate types of chemo. One that requires I get up to urinate every 2 hours, that thankfully was just one day long. The second chemo I take for the next four days, followed by a day of radiation, then finally capped off with the anti-climatic transplant itself.

So far I'm not feeling too sick. Just a bit tired and slightly worn out. But I'm sure that is bound to change as the week progresses. I was getting a bit antsy last night, laying in the bed, a bit too early for the cabin fever to set in, but I could feel its cold fingers biting into me, urging me to flee from the room, the hospital, everything.

I tried to get into FF12 yesterday, but since I left my strategy guide at home I was getting lost too easy, so I just turned it off. I managed to pick up the Devil May Cry 3 Special Edition earlier in the week, so perhaps I'll fire that up later on. Although I did manage to bring about 712 PS2 games with me, so I shouldn't get too bored with those.

Unfortunately the WiFi they use here on the BMT ward is a closed system, so I'm not going to be able to fire up my DS connection. If fact this here computer I requested in seemingly my only contact with the "outside" world. Oh I have the phone, so family is easy to contact, but for my "far away" friends it looks like this is it. Thankfully since there REALLY isn't anything to do here, Gamespot is going to be my home away from home for a few weeks at least. I guess that should make it easier to keep everyone up to date on my condition and fragile state of mind.

Thats all for now. I'll check back soon! Later.