Okay okay, it appears I have a very serious issue here. Serious indeed because I just verbally assaulted someone because of one little comment that perhaps brought a tinge of green to my eyes, ahhell it wasn't even jealousy. Just unprecedented rage, a complete inferno of anger seemingly from no-where. And the thing is that I don't want to apologize for what I did, there may have been no grounds for me to act the way I did but hell I did and I will because that is the way I am in situations like this. So Arjet or whatever the hell your name is, I issue no apology to you because quite frankly you don't deserve it. I admit I hardly handled it in the smoothest way possible, but I found myself enraged by what your comment said and I unleashed my reaction; funny that my therapist was always telling me to let people know how I feel rather than tucking it away, I did just that.

But that's not actually the start of this mornings vicious escapades, oh no. It all started about 9 a.m. actually. I was just finishing my breakfast and Ninja Warrior was on Virgin1. I love a good hour of Ninja Warrior, crazy contestants battling the odds of the awesome obstacles they have on Mt. Midoriyama. Not only that but it was a Kunoichi special too so it was extra awesome because Ayako Miyaki would be up to re-take her title as the Champion of Women of Ninja Warrior. So I was entertained for a good half hour after the first lot of contestants, but as the second half began I started to feel odd :?

It was actually something I was all too familiar with. The reminiscent prickling of my skin; that sickening knot in my stomach and my blood boiling in my veins. Then those constant waves of nausea, hitting me and washing over my whole body, actually making me physically sick. This is what it feels like when I get angry, but not the natural kind of angry. This was abrupt and just leapt on me. I spoke about it with my therapist some time ago, she reckoned that if I'm suppressing anything I may be feeling such as depression, pain, sadness, anguish, happiness, nervousness, worry, guilt etc, that it can resurface after an elongated period of time and manifest itself as anger, rage and fury alongside and number of aggressive emotions. But since I've been dumped on a student councillor at South Staffordshire College, the analysis has become a bit more warm and easier to understand. My councillor seems to think that these random attacks of antipathy may be brought on my suppressed memories as well as the emotions they carry.

For example, the nausea, prickling, knotted stomach are all reminiscent of a period in my life last year, place it around October-November. This was during the portion of time where my conversation with Amber had become dangerously frequent, she was starting to hardly leave my mind about now. But there remained a factor, her partner at the time. And whilst we both had feelings for each other at the time, neither of us declared anything because we both had partners. But all of the symptoms that accompany my anger used to surge every time she mentioned her ex-boyfriend's name; now the name doesn't even need to be mentioned, as long as I know he's being talked about my fists just clench and my jaw tightens, speech impeded and that nausea seizes me :?

But that's the only thing I've been able to work out so far. There are no memories of him that stand out as prominent, I mean I hate the bastard's guts and if I saw him there's be no hesitation to drop kick him in the chest. But nothing particularly stands out and triggers the anger :? I'm going to carry on working on it for mine and my darling's sake.

~Azure