I will be carrying on my postponed countdown from number 8, but something happened that has confused me something awful and I'd like some insight here :? I havereceived a moderation for "Association with Nicholai69" or something along the lines... now this has resulted in an indefinite removal of my forum privileges, but I fail to see what exactly I've done wrong :| Could someone, perhaps a moderator themselves clear this up for me? Am i simply being penalized for being associated with him at the time of his verbal rampage or am I now being accused of a much greater crime (albeit as far as crimes go on GameSpot). I still have contact with the real-world Nicholai69... but why would I be punished for that? What the hell is going on here? Are we not allowed to be friends with people that have already been removed from website or something >.> because if thats the case, well I'm pretty shocked :roll: I mean I know the ToS are pretty tight, but if talking to a banned member violates them then perhaps there is such thing as a Dictatorship via the interwebz :lol:

In all seriousness... please explain, someone... anyone... :|

~Azure

So yes! I really did enjoy my birthday a helluva lot more than anticipated. I think one of the major factors was kinda the build up to it, I had Amber there all the time taking my mind of everything. Also we had a little fight on Friday (which I mentioned in the blog I writ that day) which sort of took my mind of everything else, mainly because I was more concerned about how Amber was feeling at the time than how I'll feel on my birthday. And I have to say I felt pretty great about it. We did settle the dispute though in the end, there are so many obstacles in our relationship, but it seems to be the small things (or things that should be small) that cause the most turbulance. However Friday was one of the worstwobbly bridgeswe've had to cross, but the fact we crossed it gives me a lot of confidence in our ability to deal with each other.

I woke up at about 6 a.m. and the first thing I did was go onto my laptop and log onto MSN and there right away I was greeted by my first Happy Birthday of the year :) And it was Amber of course. That for one really brightened my morning up, considering I was tired as hell and looked like crap because of the terrible sleep I had. But she was there and before we decided to engage in a video call she said she had to go make herslef look pretty; which I honestly expectedher tojust maybe do whatever it is she usually doeswhen she sayd she's'going make herself lookless icky'as she's put it on so many ocassions. So after a few botched attempts (MSN hates me) at a Video Call we got a stable picture and stable sound! And I was actually pretty shocked :| She looked pretty stunning if I do say so myself. She put her hair up because she knows I like it like that and she had the black dress I like her in. I was kinda lost for words so the first few sentences were my usual hello, how are you etc. because I couldn't think right with my eyes on her :lol:

But of course that didn't last forever, the family arose around 7:30 and sometime around 8 I had to say goodbye to open my presents and cards with the family (mum and my two sisters). I was sad to go because I hoped to spend all morning with her, but we agreed we'd do it the next day anyway. So my cards, well I had like five :P A grand total of £15 across5 cards (10 in one, 5 in another, others were empty :P). But I realised I still had a cards from my dad's side to pick up, as well as the 20-something guests coming out to dinner on the night. My sisters' got me a "Greatest Brother Award" mug. I had the sneaking suspicion they had because the second I asked for a cup of tea I got barked at to open my presents first :P My mum got me two books (murder mysteries :D), Valkyria Chronicles (which I picked out and was teased with for two weeks!), American Gangster (one of my favourite Denzel Washington films) and she's taking meshopping to Birmingham inJuly and she's giving me £20 contribution to any game I wish to purchase. She had told me that she's hid Amber's presents from me and lost them, but sneaky mother lied to me and they were right there :lol: I got a card covered in lipstick kisses on the inside from my Amber darling and then one signed by her family :) Also two t-shirts which can be seen in my images section. I tried to hyperlink them but it must be down or something :?

Then my dad picked me up around 10 and carted me off to his house for more present fun :P Well my Dad contributed £10 towards my new headphones (which can kinda be seen in some pics) which are awesome 8) And he and my nan have split the cost and bought me a new bike, which I've been dying for since my last four have been stolen :| His girlfriend got me a pair of desert camo Oniel boardie shorts and a helmet and bike lock. Also her son Max made me a special card and he attempted todraw Big Boss and Pikachuin Liverpool FC football kits (which is funny because I don't even like football, let alone support a scouser team, my dad does though :P). It was incredibly sweet of him, he's only five! Bless him! Then my nan and grandad came down and I had two more shirts, a Mr. Incredible one (because thats what the lads at thr rugby club used to call me when I had my hair short, I looked like Mr. Incredible apparently :lol: ) and a The Godfather one that simply says "The Boss" on it, not Big Boss but close :P
Then we carted off into town and we had lunch at this bar called The Bank. I had a steak sandwich, medium rare with rocket lettuce and mature cheddar... yum :D I asked the woman at the bar for a cup of teaand she looked at my birthday badge thing and said "You just turned 17 or 71 mate, tea?". I was offended... I love a cuppa tea :P

Then I went home, showered and failed my brush my hair into aquasi-neat state. Had a quick go on Valkyria Chronicles and then set off in the green shirt Amber bought me and my new headphones. I must say that I looked pretty badass in my leather jacket 8) We had to book four tables, 22 people just from my mum's side turned up. She's got a massive family, I actually used to have to be careful about picking girlfriends because it turns out I'm somehow related to half of bloody Cannock :| My great nan had like 11 kids and she herself was 1 of 8 siblings :| so we branch out across the Staffordshire :lol:
But it was totally awesome, I had the mixed grill. 4oz gammon and rump steaks, two pork and leek sausages, half a rack of ribs in BBQ sauce and a portion of chips (fries I guess :roll: ), also I specially requested the chicken breast be replaced with turkey in Amber's honour :P It came out on a huge sizzling pan, but it was nothing. I have a stomach like Mary Poppin's handbag :lol:

The next few hours were spen reaping in profit from relatives, a nice total of £60 which I appreciate, because my mom's sister and brothers' (my aunt and uncles) are going through a really tough financial time and that they even spared £5 for my birthday is just cracking :D Some of the relatives who haven't seen me for a month or two are a tad more generous, and my cousin's boyfriend, and soon-to-be father of their child, gave me £10 causeI said he was awesome. So ???? + Birthday = Profit :lol: There's a few vending machines in the childrens' play area, temporary tattoos. Now the young lad got this one that dispenses like kanji, flaming tigers and stuff like that, whilst girls are nailed down with Tinkerbell... so i went for the obvious choice and within allowing 10 minutes to dry I had a fairy tattooed to my right cheek! Before my uncle left he bought me this goodie bag thing from the kids shop, as a joke he got me a Barbie one :roll: But, the jokes on him cause I loved it :lol: Colouring pencils, stickers, lollypops and a very challenging maze puzzle game! I stuck stickers to the chosen ones (Me, Joe, Callum, Charlotted, Becky, Shelby and Evie) and we were known as the Barbie Crew for the rest of the night 8)

The cake was good too, this chocolatey thing... I ordered a cup of tea and enjoyed the cake with it 8) Everyone sung happy birthday and I got embarassed etc. But it wasn't just that which really cheered me up! Firs of all it was being with Amber that morning, then her presents. Then when I was on my lapto N-re surprised me with a happy birthday topic in The Resident Evil Veterans which was awesome, the Crusader and my Darling even dedicated blogs to me which made me ecstatic! So yeah, I got stuff, I enjoyed it! Woooo!

~Azure

So yeah, Happy Birthday to me and stuff of the similar sounding persuasion. It's all very exciting seeing as I woke up at like 6am to absolutely nothing. A boring bleak morning, rain and grey skies. The best news is that I have to walk for half an hour in the downpour to Halfords so I can pick up me bike, seeing as I don't drive and all I'll have to bike it back home too :roll:

That's about all that's happened and is going to happen. So we're going to be feeding the fifty thousand at Catch Corner seeing as my mum invited the whole family and my dad's taking me out to lunch before that with my nan and grandad with the possible guests of my great uncles. I'll see you guys and gals later if I make it out of the family reunion alive.

~Azure

Okay okay, it appears I have a very serious issue here. Serious indeed because I just verbally assaulted someone because of one little comment that perhaps brought a tinge of green to my eyes, ahhell it wasn't even jealousy. Just unprecedented rage, a complete inferno of anger seemingly from no-where. And the thing is that I don't want to apologize for what I did, there may have been no grounds for me to act the way I did but hell I did and I will because that is the way I am in situations like this. So Arjet or whatever the hell your name is, I issue no apology to you because quite frankly you don't deserve it. I admit I hardly handled it in the smoothest way possible, but I found myself enraged by what your comment said and I unleashed my reaction; funny that my therapist was always telling me to let people know how I feel rather than tucking it away, I did just that.

But that's not actually the start of this mornings vicious escapades, oh no. It all started about 9 a.m. actually. I was just finishing my breakfast and Ninja Warrior was on Virgin1. I love a good hour of Ninja Warrior, crazy contestants battling the odds of the awesome obstacles they have on Mt. Midoriyama. Not only that but it was a Kunoichi special too so it was extra awesome because Ayako Miyaki would be up to re-take her title as the Champion of Women of Ninja Warrior. So I was entertained for a good half hour after the first lot of contestants, but as the second half began I started to feel odd :?

It was actually something I was all too familiar with. The reminiscent prickling of my skin; that sickening knot in my stomach and my blood boiling in my veins. Then those constant waves of nausea, hitting me and washing over my whole body, actually making me physically sick. This is what it feels like when I get angry, but not the natural kind of angry. This was abrupt and just leapt on me. I spoke about it with my therapist some time ago, she reckoned that if I'm suppressing anything I may be feeling such as depression, pain, sadness, anguish, happiness, nervousness, worry, guilt etc, that it can resurface after an elongated period of time and manifest itself as anger, rage and fury alongside and number of aggressive emotions. But since I've been dumped on a student councillor at South Staffordshire College, the analysis has become a bit more warm and easier to understand. My councillor seems to think that these random attacks of antipathy may be brought on my suppressed memories as well as the emotions they carry.

For example, the nausea, prickling, knotted stomach are all reminiscent of a period in my life last year, place it around October-November. This was during the portion of time where my conversation with Amber had become dangerously frequent, she was starting to hardly leave my mind about now. But there remained a factor, her partner at the time. And whilst we both had feelings for each other at the time, neither of us declared anything because we both had partners. But all of the symptoms that accompany my anger used to surge every time she mentioned her ex-boyfriend's name; now the name doesn't even need to be mentioned, as long as I know he's being talked about my fists just clench and my jaw tightens, speech impeded and that nausea seizes me :?

But that's the only thing I've been able to work out so far. There are no memories of him that stand out as prominent, I mean I hate the bastard's guts and if I saw him there's be no hesitation to drop kick him in the chest. But nothing particularly stands out and triggers the anger :? I'm going to carry on working on it for mine and my darling's sake.

~Azure

I know I was raised with some fairly old fashioned values. I respect women; keep my eyes to myself for the most part (sometimes it's simply unavoidable); maintain my manners and keep myself restrained. But for freaks sake, it seems that alot of people in the world today are simply superficial, a great deal of the girls especially. I don't know whether it's because of my current frame of mind but I'm really starting to see a lot of disgusting things in the world I live in. Take this for instance:

I was in town after I'd been into college and I decided to go into ASDAbecause I was dying for a bottle of water and they had it on special offer. So I'm just going to pay for it and there's this couple (from the looks of it they lived on a bad council estate), the guy is like a deep shade of red (beetroot like) and he's shoutingat one of the workers in the cosmetics aisle. He's only a young chap, shoulder length hair and he's got a pair of Trivium wristbands on, the dude getting his hair off obviously doesn't like what he's being told and so he starts screaming, his wife joining in as well. After they stop and totter off to the check out, I go over to him and ask what all the fuss was about; turns out they wanted this shower gel/shampoo set and saw it advertised ontelly for £1, the price instore however was £1.75 and the couple were flipping out about "false advertising" or something like that. I mean those two completely blew up at him and he stood their and took it :? What the hell is going on? He even offered to check the price personally for them. But no, it wasn't good enough for them and they just got up and left.

Then I was waiting for my bus, checking out the PS3 chartsin GAME and there's this girl looking at me. Might have mistaken me for someone else? I carried on reading and crouched down to check the 'V' section for Valkyria Chronicles (for my cousin's birthday) and she was looking at me again :? I brushed it off again and then moved over to the DS games. So I decide to see how much credit I've built up on my loyalty card and go over to the cash register, no-one's there (as usual) but one of thejuniors soon comes to my service and it happens to be that girl (I can't believe I didn't spot the bright purple shirt). So I give her the card and my adress and phone number so she can check out my account, whilst she's doing that I check the bargain bin and again, she's looking at me! So I turn around and ask her if there's something on my back and she said "Nah, i'm just browsing" with a wink :? Tactless much? I've got £15 credit anyway and I left to catch my bus.

There were a few other things that really pissed me off too but I'd rather not go into them because my blood is already boiling just thinking about the incident on the bus. Either ways I got some more stuff for my birthday, ended up doing a card run and built up 20 odd birthday cards from my mum's relatives. Also my nan got my a couple t-shirts too, I pointed them out to her a few months ago and she bought them :P Birthday presents I know I'll enjoy at least.

Also I'll be continuing my countdown of the games after my Birthday Blog, because I'm having a game for my birthday and I need to see if it's going to take 8th place or not :lol: On another note, I guess I'm slightly happier. Stayed up last night and watched E3 with my darling, it was pretty funny especially when I got kinda pissed off everytime it switched to a camera scanning the whole convention centre.

~Azure

Well last week was pretty eventful. The weather was nice and it was my cousin's and my dog's 4th and 5th (respectively) birthday on tuesday. As for me I've been beside myself in bloody anguish, at least my nightmares stopped. If you're wondering why I'm not in a great mood exactly, it's because of the uncoming event that is my birthday. Being less than a week away now it's really starting to take a toll on me, all the excitement from the past few days has really just evacuated my body and now I'm just coming up to that slumping stage where I don't wanna do anything except get it over with.

See, my birthday is kind of a two pronged thing. Whilst I am pretty happy about climbing the ladder of life, reaching that next step which opens the door to more oppertunities... well my 17th doesn't exactly feel like it's going to be a life changing event in the first place :roll: I mean when you're 16 it's kind of a big deal cause you leave high school and you're seen as a budding adult, you can apply for a provisional driving liscence and think about taking lessonsand when you're 18 it's like you're almost an adult now, you can drink, smoke and drive (not all at the same time mind you) and yeah it's kind of a big deal cause you can do more stuff :? But you're 17th... it's just lumped there in the middle with no real oppertunities, just seems like it shouldn't be celebrated in the first place.

Let alone be celebrated when it not only marks my birth, but marks the death of my would-be-twin brother. I can't explain how I can love something I never had, it seems nonsensical to think about it properly but that doesn't stop me thinking about it :? I'm not sure whats up with me really. I guess it might just be my way of expressing my deprivation of brotherly love, something I've never had because I have two sisters and mywould-be-older-brother died before I was born. And I mean I've got little cousins, but they've got sibling of their own and it's just not the same is it :? But either way, it really just puts me in a massive slump as the day draws nearer :?

There is another reason as well... a much more private and personal reason which I will actually share. Last year towards the end of October my girlfriend at the time informed me she was late; the doctor confirmed that she was coming up six weeks pregnant. I only told a couple people about it, kept it private and personal. It was a good job too I guess because we lost the baby. But I was checking my calandar on my phone the otherweek and I moved to the 9th of June to put mine and Amber's anniversary into it so I could get up early and talk to her all morning, but there was already an even programmed into it. It happened to be Helena's due date. It's something I'd forgotten about, but this was the source of all my nightmares I realise now. Since seeing it I've had nothing but horrible dreams, mostly about pregnancy :? The thing is that I don't want to care about it, I have a new girlfriend who I have a future with and I don't want this damn memory plaging me for the rest of my life... I really don't :? On the one hand I sort of wish it'd survived because I felt so hollow when I found out we lost it... then on the other hand I'm sort of glad because I don't have that burden... and on my head I just feel terrible for both reasons because the only children I want are the ones I'll have with Amber :cry:

~Azure

Yeah, lately my dreams have been pretty screwed up :? A good portion of them having me in cold sweats, unable to get back to sleep for a while. I have no idea what's causing it really, the only medication I'm taking right now is my prescription medicine which the hospital gives me for anaemia and I have multi-vitamins. So I don't think it's any of that. I'm not eating or drinking before I go to bed and I've not watched any horror movies lately or even played any horror games, Harvest Moon is hardly scary :P And if that's not bad enough on it's own, they're repeating themselves too now, caught a rerun of the one I had last week, which wasn't exactly scary but disturbed me slightly :|

So I'm walking down a street, not sure exactly where it was because it didn't look like any street I've seen. I go into a restaurant and sit down at a table and Amber's there looking at a menu, I do too. After a good minute of looking she suggests we go somewhere else to eat, so we leave and as we come out we both cross a roadat the same time. Just before I step onto the path on the other side, a car comes out of nowhere and goes straight into me. The weird thing was, I was still conscious! I felt myself hurtle through the air and blacked out as I hit the road.
When I came to there were people all around and Amber was screaming at me, "Look at your face! Look at your face!" pure horror on her face. So i reached up to touch my face and the left side of my face was soaked, I couldn't open my left eye and I was trying to stand up as well. When I finally do the people are still staring at me and whispering and Amber's screaming and sobbing; through a teary right eye I can just about see my reflection in the window of a restaurant and though it's bloody, I can vividly remember seeing the bone all around my left eye, completely shattered.
All the people around me are looking at me weird and I'm having trouble trying to stay standing, no-one's called an ambulance yet and Amber just pushes her way out of the circle around me. Then I just sank to the ground and lost consciousness and that's when I woke up.

So yeah, that is one of the dreams I've been having haunt me each night. Others are more disturbing and scary than others and involve other people getting hurt and injured, sometimes fatally. I don't know whats brought them on but I wish they'd stop, but I won't go into detail about the others because they're a tad more personal than that one which only features me as a victim. There's also a follow-up dream to that one too, but it's a lot more hazy and vague, if I have it again though I'll be sure to vent it out on a blog.

Top Ten Favourite Games - Number Nine

Number Nine has to go to the Warriors series, more so Dynasty, Samurai and Orochi. Now a lot of people dislike the Warriors series for it's repetitive and restrictive gameplay, half baked voice acting, bland landscapes and boring characters. I for one though love the series and it's come to be my favourite beat 'em up! I got into Dynasty Warriors first when I heard it had some relevance to one of my favourite books at the time, The Romance of the Three Kingdoms. So upon first playing Dynasty Warriors 2 I found that the story had been dumbed down and several characters had been pickeded out, glorified and then exaggerated; a prime example being Liu Bei who was portrayed asMr. Virtue, Cao Cao who was portrayed as Mr. Chaos and then Sun Jian who was somewhat Jock-like in many aspects :P But still, characters such as Zhou Yu and Zhang He were kept close to their 'real life counterparts' who were reknowned for their elegance, grace and brilliant minds.

Also, whilst not specific to the main games, the Empires 'expansion' offersa more strategic and politicalstyIe Creating your own empire from scratch and eventually taking over China, for me can be rewarding (especially seeing as the ending for DW5 Empires uses my favourite song form DW3). And whilst not historically acurate, Dynasty Warriors and Samurai Warriors offer a very basic backing onto the Three Kingdoms Era and the Sengoku Period; whilst Warriors Orochi offers a more entertaining "What-If" scenario by combining Dynasty and Samurai, allowing me to create my ultimate teaming of Zhou Yu, Mitsuhide Akechi and Zhang He 8)

All in all, if you actually play any of the Warriors series without resorting to button mashing, they can offer an interesting and somewhat educational experience :)

~Azure

P.S.

For funsies, just check this out: The Wesker Equation

So so what the hell is wrong with it!

Is it just me or is it all over the place? It wont even behave now, I washed it this morning, blow dried it and then brushed it until it was nice and neat... I step outside and in less than two seconds one gust of wind destroyed ten minutes of work :P Think I need it cut? Could it be due to distress?

Yes! Distress has fallen over my blue bedroom as Valkyria Chronicles has been snatched from my grasp :cry: I can't have it back until my birthday which is two weeks away tomorrow (saturday). Know why? Because apparently it was a present :| I've only done the first two scenarios... but I miss it and I've replayed the demo fourteen times over... nothing fills the void :cry: Also I'm starting my new countdown! TopTen Favourite Games! Starting with:

Top Ten Favourite Games - Number Ten

Number ten is appointed to The Sims series, this includes the origional The Sims and The Sims 2. Now I can't think of anything more addicting that The Sims, they should seriously consider using this to try and work drug addicts away from their addiction... that and it provides some basic life skills :P But yeah, it's so satisfying to raise a single sim, get a nice job and evolve into a family over time... so much better than actually doing something with your own life. And here's hoping that EA and Maxis will bleed me dry with The Sims 3 and some expansions :lol:

~Azure

So I'm sort of back, I'll be online a bit more frequently throughout the day and will probably be returning to full activity in June, but until then I still have limited time online :?

ENTERTAINMENT: I watched Star Trek last week and I didn't think much of it if I'm 100% honest. It was a good movie and all, it just didn't feel very Star Trek, kinda dumbed down for a wider audience which I suppose is fair. I was into Star Trek: Voyager, always kept me busy for an hour when I came home from school :P Admiring Tuvok for being so awesome and admiring Seven of Nine for her...assets in that silver catsuit :lol: Hey I waslike six or seven, that was the most I'd ever seen of a woman at that age :P So yeah... it really didn't meet my standards as a Star Trek movie, but it was a fair movie overall, similar to the Resident Evil movies.
Also in entertainment, season 2 of Chuck starts sometime this month and I can't wait! I freakin loved that show, plus its on Virgin 1 so I can watch it on the Freeview box in my room! Woot :D

EDUCATION: I dropped off my application into the Sixth Form college in town and I have an interview for today (thursday 21st). So lets hope those bastards accept me into their damn school so I can learn stuff! Also interesting (or not so interesting) is that next Thursday I have my four week review with Activ8 and Connextions to see if I'm a normal teenager now who wants to go back to college and doesn't lace everythough with a dash of homicide :roll: WhichI don't!

GAMING: So without any frequent internet access and with my PS3 growing dustier each day, I dusted my Wii off and popped in Harvest Moon: Another Wonderful Life and man I still love that game so much! I started off afresh, giving birth to Tom and the Miles' Farm. I have two cows, Bella and Anna; three hens, Phoebe, Rachel and Monica; a rooster, Ross; two ducks, Dave and Beryl; a dog and a cat, Rufus and Panda; a sheep and a goat, Shaun and Billy! Also located on my farm are my wife Celia and my son Ethan! One of the reasons I love Harvest Moon so much despite it's flaws, is that it's so damn addictive and it's freakin hard for me to not get attached to people in Forget-Me-Not Valley.

On a less farming related note, I did get one new game for my PS3: Valkyria Chronicles. I have to say that I love it! Ther characters are all pretty awesome (especially Marina 8)) and the story is engaging. I've never quite seen gameplay like it, sort of reminicent of Advanced Wars but the third person fighting element makes it quite unique in my experience. I wouldn't advise it to everyone though, sort of like Harvest Moon. Both require very different strategies, but strategy nontheless, fortunately I have a military and (apparently) agricultural mind:lol: though I doubt the latter :P

There's a ton of other stuff too but I'm tired and I have stuff to do... my room is a mess and the dog is getting fat, better start walking the little bugger :P

~Azure

Meh, unforeseen circumstances have seen me stripped of my laptop and my 24-7 internet access. This means I won't be as active for a great deal of the time over the foreseeable month. Doesn't mean I won't be getting on but it does mean that the one hour a day allowance I've been granted will not be 100% spent on GameSpot! Thanks for reading :)

~Azure