I don't mean the armed-to-the-teeth, mowing down generic zombies to get from a to b kind of scary that every game seems to copy and paste these days. That **** is awesome, no doubt, but it's far from the horror of my youth. I'm talking about real survival horror, the kinds of games that can legitimately alter your life from that point on, in every negative way. Games that ruin your faith in a just and caring god. Games that make you realize that you're the reason your parents are divorced. Games that make you hate your best friends, and obliterate your sex drive for years to come. Games that go beyond fear, but make you legitimately uncomfortable, like putting it in the butt on the first date. Why did they stop making these games? surely I can't be the only one who misses a week of blood-soaked nightmares after each play, praying to whatever diety or devil will listen to stop the spiraling tower of madness that shot up my spine each time an inside out rottweiler with two heads and nine dicks tried to rape my character out of existence. Sure, the demand now for a game that's so scary it can't possibly be fun is low, but it's got to still be there, right? Does anyone want to feel anything anymore besides light thrills that turn to boredom after an hour? I mean, I know I'm kind of a weird dude, who genuinely enjoys some questionable **** but I can't help but think, and hope, that there are still people out there like me, waiting for that glorious day when a game kidnaps us in a bloody burlap sack and drops us into a pitch black endless hallway full of closed doors waiting to burst open and spray their maggot covered hate spawn into our waiting open arms, where we will duel with a rusty pipe, or three bullets left in the chamber against an unbeatable army of twisted broken mannequin parts. And no flashlight.

Halo Reach and the new Linkin Park cd come out on the same day!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!!??!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!??!?!?!!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I can already hear the collective pants of fanboys everywhere being soiled as we speak. Now all we need is a new Mountain Dew flavor and everyone's head will just **** explode.

Remember Reach? You should, you've played it 4 times already.

Game to movie/movie to game adaptations have been been almost universally terrible since the beginning of cognitive thought. But that would surely change if game developers had enough sense in their tiny stupid heads made of crap to make games out of these movies:

Heat: Guns, robbery, DeNiro, Pacino, Danny Trejo, Henry Rollins, a totally bangable Charlize Theron even in 1995, swearing, talking about asses, divorce, killing cops. This is not only a list of things in this movie, but also a list of my favorite things in life. This would also be a good opportunity to make a decent heist game (oh snap Kane & Lynch!)

Death Wish: Charlie Bronson is a stone cold murder machine. In Death Wish 3, he goes to get a popsicle from a store and ends up murdering a punk who tries to step up. They don't tell you that that scene was actually the behind-the-scenes footage of his everyday life. These movies are so badass its almost illegal to talk about how many illegal things happen in them. Plus, any game starring charles goddamn bronson is a game you gotta buy on principle.

The Running Man: This would make a perfect game, because its based on a game. well, a game show anyways. back in the 80's, they pretty much let you do whatever you want as long as you had enough money and coke. as such, they let a game show on the air in which all the contestants are criminals and they all get murdered at the end. The Running Man is a documentary about this show, as well as about Arnold Schwarzennegger's troubled past and struggle to overcome adversity. it's beautiful, and it would make a beautiful game.

Casshern: oh man have you seen that movie? its awesome!

Milo And Otis: This harrowing tale of two world explorers on a quest back to their homeland is full of thrills, chills, pills, and mad skills. the challenges they face would lend themselves perfectly to a vidya game. plus, they're a puppy and a kitten, and that's just adorable as hell.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind: I'm just kidding, this would not make a good game. It didn't even make a good movie.

Fall has a considerable amount of awesome crap falling from the gamely heavens above. here are a couple of releases that make my pants shorter just thinking about them:

Dead Space 2: I'm both excited and terrified at the prospect of seeing what space shenanigans Isaac Clarke will get himself into this time. The Sprawl looks awesome, the enemies look suitably disgusting, and I can't wait to strap on my scaring pants only to have them eviscerated moments later.

Call of Duty: Black Ops: If you're a male and you don't wanna play this game, you can go ahead and turn your penis in at the front desk. the secretary will take care of it, however there is a five dollar penis return fee for those hoping to be considered women from here forward. But you can probably afford it, what with all the money you save from not spending it on booze, guns, sluts and CoD like the rest of us men. Just keep telling yourself there's no shame in it, since nobody else will believe you.

Vanquish: I saw the demo for this last night, and I still don't even know what the hell it's about, but i saw robots, powerslides, bigger robots, smoking, and over the top violence a la ninja blade. Naturally, my interest was piqued. If the whole game turns out as badass as the demo, consider me a returning customer.

Goldeneye: Long has it been my dream, nay, vision, to take part in a 16 player online slappers only death match. that dream will soon be reality, and my pillow has been soaked nightly with the tears of joy that I have cried due to that prospect. Dibbs on Oddjob, buttholes.

Fallout: New Vegas: I can't wait to listen to the Dead Kennedy's "Viva Las Vegas" while mowing through town after town of innocent bystanders and not so innocent in the way standers. cool stuff bro.

That's all, cuz I gotta go to work. My wallet and grades are going to take a big hit this fall. screw em.

So the other day I was feeling randy and picked up a new game for that 120 dollar paperweight, the DS. I haven't bought, nor wanted to buy a DS game since god knows when, so I figured I was due to drop a few bucks on a box full of disappointment. That is, until I laid my beautiful brown eyes on Tokyo Beatdown. The box appeared to have it all: fighting, guns, asians, rogue cops who don't play by the rules, and even the word 'Beatdown' right there in the title! This lovely lass was on sale for fifteen dollars, a fifteen dollars that I couldn't afford not to spend. I got home, powerslammed it into my DS, and embarked on one of the most remarkable journeys of gaming, nay, artistic expression that I have ever been on. From the get go, you're kickin ass, taking names, and looking damn good doing it. The story revolves around Tokyo's infamous "Beast Cops," a rag-tag team of hard boiled justice machines who have no spare time for investigations or due process, for their days are already filled with meetings between fists and faces, live ammo and target demonstrations, and one-liners straight out of Arnold Schwarzennegger's autobiography. Upon first glance, the team may look like a bunch of idiots who have literally no business being cops. And that view stays about the same throughout the rest of the game. But goddamn if it isn't funnier'n hell! The game plays like a mix between Dynamite Cop (which still holds the title for best game ever forged by the hands of mortals) and Double Dragon, side-scrolling beat-em-up action mixed with guns and some of the best dialogue ever penned for anyone. seriously. The badass one liners flow like fine wine at my expensive home in Napa Valley, and will leave you in stitches throughout. a few for your leisure: Bad Guy: You don't have what it takes to beat me. Lewis Cannon: "Have" is my middle name! Lewis Cannon (to maniac forklift driver): That piece of junk looks like it will explode in exactly three minutes! (Exactly three minutes later, the forklift explodes, regardless of whether or not you've beaten it.) Lewis Cannon: It's time to put the K.O. in Tokyo! Those are the ones i can remember off the top of my head, but rest assured, there's ten times more throughout the game. You go from beating the ever-loving **** out of a few punks on a Dine-and-dash, to getting plowed by two cars in the same day ("Why does this keep happening to me!!"), all on the way to taking down a shady group of Asian evildoers (in exactly three minutes). There are a couple gripes though, namely the AI. It can go from a walk in the park to A Walk to Remember (which I didn't really care for, but some people liked. I though it was alright, but definitely overhyped, and didn't translate as well to the screen as I'd hoped. Overall, it's a rent at best.) in seconds flat, depending on who you're fighting and how many enemies there are. One boss fight pits you against a rocket launcher-wielding assassin and his five buddies all at once. the goddamn thing is **** impossible, since he basically one-shots you with the rocket launcher if you're not at full health. on top of that, his buddies will shoot you and knock you down, and since it takes so **** long to get back up, they can do the same thing over and over again until you're dead. BULL****. And on top of that, right after you beat him, you have the exact same fight again as someone else. MEGA BULL****. The top bun of this bull**** sandwich comes when two minutes later, you have the exact same fight A THIRD GODDAMN TIME, but against a female assassin instead. Needless to say, its hard as **** and frustrating to the point of not wanting to play anymore. But if you can get past the cheap enemy AI, and your many shortcomings as a man for not already owning this game, you'll find a lot of good, over the top fun to be had in the streets of Tokyo. Now go beat them down!!